Sailor Hellblazer
by RpM1
Summary: A Sailor Moon/John Constantine: Hellblazer crossover. Co-written with David Tai. Gemma Masters was destined to become a Sailor Scout. But then Destiny ran headfirst into John Constantine first.
1. Explaining Sailor Moon and John Constant...

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Sailor Hellblazer:   
a John Constantine: Hellblazer /  
Sailor Moon crossover  
  
Writer's notes: Explaining John Constantine  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
The family of Constantine is something of a legend in the  
occult circles. The name and the bloodline have always been  
linked to magic in one form or another, as far as man has  
been keeping a history.   
  
Kon-Sten-Tyn ruled England after the passing of King Arthur.   
His was not a pleasant rule.   
  
Harry Constantine was a soldier of fortune with Cromwell's  
army as it marched across Ireland. He crossed paths with  
the ribbon queen and was damned to live eternally as a  
rotting corpse.   
  
And in modern day there is John Constantine, trickster,  
magus, and all-around bastard. Unlike other men of magic,  
he comes off as more of a common man. He forever clashes  
with authority, thumbing his nose at them whenever possible.   
  
John knows about his family history, and he sees the magic  
as a curse. It is a curse, in the sense that almost every  
Constantine touched by magic has a tragic story. John  
himself made many mistakes, and his actions have left behind  
a bloody trail of casualties, both friends and foes.   
  
He's had enough.   
  
While not willing to give up on the magic entirely, he  
doesn't care for the curse to continue, which is why he  
constantly tells his niece, Gemma Masters, to never, ever  
dabble with magic.   
  
But Gemma has already had encounters with magic: first,  
haunted by the spirit of her grandfather, and then nearly  
killed by a member of the satanic Damnation Army.   
  
And as the saying goes among those in the occult, once you  
walk the path of magic, there's no turning back.   
  
John hopes that Gemma will never take the path of magic, but  
only time will tell. He also believes himself the last to  
carry the name 'Constantine', and with his death, the curse  
on his bloodline will end.   
  
But...   
  
His deceased father had brothers, and they may have had  
children of their own, and the legacy of Constantine may yet  
march on...   
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Sailor Hellblazer: A John Constantine: Hellblazer /  
Sailor Moon crossover  
  
Writer's notes: explaining Sailor Moon  
beyond the schoolgirl outifts and the cute slogans  
  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
25,000 years ago, there was a magic kingdom. It was a  
unique kingdom for Earth, for there had never been one quite  
like it, and there would not be for thousands of years to  
come.   
  
This kingdom was as close to an utopia as Earth had ever  
known, ruled by the royal house of Queen Serenity. The  
kingdom spanned the planets of the solar system, with  
colonies and ruling families on each one, and its capital  
was established on the moon.   
  
From each planet, a guardian was sent, to serve, protect,  
and advise the royal family.   
  
But nothing lasts forever.   
  
Queen Beryl, using magic and energy from the  
otherdimensional reality known as the Dark Kingdom, invaded  
the palace on the moon, crushing the forces of the Silver  
Millenium easily.   
  
Left with no alternative, Queen Serenity used an incredibly  
powerful artifact known as the Empyrean Silver Crystal to  
send the souls of her people into the future, where they  
would eventually be reborn. She also banished Queen Beryl  
and her forces to the Dark Kingdom. All this had a price:   
Queen Serenity died, and the moon was reduced to an empty  
desolate satellite.  
  
25,000 years later, the royal court of the Silver Millenium  
were reborn. The daughter of the queen was reborn as Usagi  
Tsukino, and took on the identity of Sailor Moon. A few of  
the other guardians became aware of their past lives as  
well, and took on the identities of Sailor Mercury, Venus,  
Mars, and Jupiter. The moon prince, destined love of the  
princess, was also reborn, and took on the identity of  
Tuxedo Mask.   
  
There's no explanation as to why they were all reborn as  
Japanese. Probably the same reason why all aliens spoke  
English in Star Trek.   
  
Together, they fought and defeated the returning threat of  
Queen Beryl and her Dark Kingdom forces.   
  
As time passed, even more guardians revealed themselves.   
There was Sailor Neptune and Uranus, who were partners in  
combat and in life, Sailor Saturn, a little girl who had the  
power to heal wounds or destroy the earth, and Sailor Pluto,  
the enigmatic girl who was not reincarnated, but seems to be  
immortal, guarding the gateways of time.  
  
A thousand years into the future, the Kingdom of the Silver  
Millenium was reborn with Sailor Moon as its queen. Much  
like its previous incarnation, this kingdom was laid under  
siege by rebellious forces, this time led by Prince Demando  
and the entity that called itself Wiseman. Only the arrival  
of Sailor Moon and her allies from modern day saved the  
kingdom of the future.   
  
And so it goes...   
  
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Disclaimer:  
  
John Constantine: Hellblazer was created by Alan Moore,  
Steve Bissette, and John Totleben. All rights and  
related characters are owned and published by DC Comics.  
  
Ah! My Goddess was created and copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi.  
Owned by Bandai.  
  
This work of fan fiction is public domain and not intended  
for profit.  
  
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---------------------------------   
Rod M. & David Tai present...   
  
John Constantine:   
SAILOR HELLBLAZER  
  
prelude  
gemma  
  
A 'Blame Mike Loader' Production  
---------------------------------  
  
  
Eighteen years ago...   
  
John Constantine, uncle.   
  
That, to John, sounded about as right as The Best of The Sex  
Pistols, as performed by the London Symphony Orchestra.  
  
The stupid balloons and the teddy bear he was carrying were  
also, he thought, painfully out of place. But then again,  
what else do you bring to your newborn niece?  
  
"Feel like a bloody idiot," he grumbled.   
  
John hated kids. Nothing but small noisemakers that wreck  
the neighborhood and grow up to wonder what you did to mess  
up the planet.  
  
The slight hangover he had wasn't helping either. A subtle,  
but nagging headache loomed in his skull.   
  
Oh well.   
  
With a deep breath, he rang the doorbell. A moment later, a  
young woman with short blond hair answered the door.   
  
"John?" she asked, looking at him with some surprise.   
  
He smiled crookedly. "Hi, Cheryl. Long time no see."   
  
Her face immediately darkened. "John Constantine, of all  
the nerve! Where have you BEEN for the last few years? Do  
you have ANY idea how much I've been worrying?!"   
  
Great. He set sis off on 'mother hen' mode. It was only  
natural, he knew, since she helped raise him when their  
mother died, but still...   
  
"Aw, Cheryl, c'mon-"   
  
"You don't call, you don't write, for all I know you were  
dead!"   
  
"Jesus, Cheryl, I'm sorry! Okay?"   
  
Her frown turned into a smile suddenly as she caught him by  
surprise and gave him a hug. "Don't do it again, you stupid  
little bastard."   
  
"Okay sis, I won't," assured John, returning the hug,  
greatly relieved that the pestering mode was over. "Now...   
where's the little tyke?"   
  
"C'mon, this way," she said as she lead him into the  
modestly small house. "Really, though. It's been two  
months since she was born. Where've you been?"   
  
"Oh, here'n there," said John.   
  
They came to a room painted in pristine white, highlighted  
in pink. Lots of frilly... stuff... just lots of frilly  
stuff dominated the room.   
  
And in a little white crib, sleeping soundly, was the sprog.   
It had little pink fingers, an' little pink toes, and a cute  
little nose, and a cute little tuft of hair atop her head.   
  
John looked at it with much fear. Demons, he could handle.   
Babies were entirely a mystery. "Hallo there, kid. Oi,  
Cheryl, what's her name?"   
  
"Gemma. You like it?"   
  
"Gemma, eh?" He shrugged. "Not bad."   
  
"Well, I'll just put these balloons and the teddy bear over  
here," he said, stepping away from the crib as quickly as  
possible.   
  
A slight hissing sound came from the doorway.   
  
"Oh shite, the stove!" cried Cheryl. "I'll be right back!"   
  
She left the room quickly, leaving John alone with Gemma.   
Having nothing better to do, he hovered at the crib's edge  
and peered down at Gemma curiously.   
  
And then she opened her eyes.   
  
And for a moment, they stared at each other.   
  
*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH*  
  
"Oh shit! CHERYL! CHERYL!"   
  
"Hold on, John!" yelled Cheryl from the kitchen.   
  
*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH*  
  
"Cheryl, she's havin' the mother of all hissy fits here!"   
  
"What did you do to her?!"   
  
*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH*  
  
"It's not my fault!" yelled John. "I swear!"   
  
"Hold on a moment! I'm almost done!"   
  
*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH*  
  
Well, thought John, that wasn't fast enough. With the  
crying driving him mad and making his headache even worse,  
he had a few options.   
  
Option one was to get the hell out, a reasonable idea.   
Except that Cheryl might kill him for leaving the baby  
alone.   
  
Option two was to try to quiet the kid by himself.   
  
He took one of her small hands in his and wiggled it.   
"Heyheyheyhey, wossamatter, eh?"  
  
*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH*  
  
"Shh, c'mon, mum's on her way, at's a good girl...."   
  
*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH*  
  
"Bugger."   
  
His mind raced through a few things he'd heard of about  
babies. It had either shat, pissed, or it was hungry. In  
those cases, nothing he'd do would help. Though sometimes  
they just liked to be carried, right?   
  
Hmm...   
  
"Heeey, easy now, shh, c'mon, come t'uncle John." He lifted  
her slowly, carefully, then cradled her in his arms. She  
squirmed about for a moment more, then began to settle down.   
Her cries settled down until they were just gurgles and  
coos.   
  
"There, issat what ya wanted?"   
  
The child's eyes looked blindly around the room, then  
settled on his again.   
  
He braced himself for the worst.   
  
And she smiled.   
  
There were very few moments in which cynical, hard-boiled,  
don't-take-shit John Constantine was ever filled with  
wonder.   
  
This was one of them.   
  
He saw hope, promise, infinite possibilities, innocence  
unspoiled, a million things he thought was gone from the  
earth, all in her eyes.   
  
For a moment, he forgot he was a mage, and thought of  
himself as an uncle. Silently he swore that he'd protect  
her, no matter what.   
  
And then she spat up on his arm.   
  
"Ewwww, jeez! CHERYYYYYYYYYYL!"   
  
  
- e n d p r e l u d e -  
  



	2. accidents will happen

---------------------------------  
Rod M. & David Tai present...  
  
John Constantine:  
SAILOR HELLBLAZER  
  
part 1  
accidents will happen  
  
A 'Blame Mike Loader' Production  
---------------------------------  
  
There is such a thing as Destiny.  
  
Take, for example, the infamous line of the family  
Constantine. Theirs is a bloodline marked by magic,  
triumph, and tragedy. Among the more notable Constantines  
was King Kon-sten-tyn, king of England after the fall of  
Arthur; Harry Constantine, cursed by the Ribbon Queen to  
live for eternity in rotting flesh; and the Lady Johanna  
Constantine, who was a spy and adventuress involved in  
many run-ins with the occult.  
  
The touch of magic has always been with the line of  
Constantine, in one form or another. More often than not,  
it left scars on their lives that would never heal.  
  
It is destiny that every generation of Constantine be  
touched by magic.  
  
Thus, it was on one somewhat warm late summer day that a  
white cat with a particular wand was on its way to London,  
where it knew a young lady by the name of Gemma Constantine  
Masters was living.  
  
It was time for her to face Destiny.  
  
However, the oddest thing happened. Destiny ran headlong  
into John Constantine.  
  
- - -  
  
"Out! Scat! Bloody bag of shite!"  
  
*MREOOOOOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAWWWR*  
  
With a swift boot to the rear, John Constantine sent the  
white cat flying into the air and out of his townhouse door.  
It tumbled in a most un-catlike manner down the stairs, into  
the street, and narrowly avoided getting hit by a passing  
bicycle. As it scrambled to get to its feet, it rolled  
about violently... and smacked its head right up against a  
lamp post.  
  
The cat raised its head slowly, then seemed to pass out.  
  
John watched it with a little confusion and a lot of  
amusement. Didn't cats usually land on their feet?  
  
"S'gotta be the clumsiest bloody cat I've ever seen."  
  
He shook his head, picked up the newspaper, and turned back  
to his doorway. One step later, his foot stepped on  
something, causing him to slip and fall, almost following  
the same path as the cat.  
  
"Ow! What the frig?!" He slowly rose to his feet and  
looked for the object he'd tripped on.  
  
It seemed to be a pen. A gaudy, glitzy sort of pen, but  
still a pen.  
  
And radiating from it, if only faintly, he sensed magic.  
  
Carefully, he picked it up and examined it. Aside from  
sensing magic within it, he couldn't see anything  
particularly spectacular about it. He shrugged, put it in  
his shirt pocket, and returned to his newly acquired (by  
means that he would never disclose) townhouse.  
  
He made his way to the kitchen, where the smell of eggs and  
bacon greeted his nose. By the stove was a young lady,  
blessed with schoolgirl looks, short brown hair and a sunny  
disposition. She waved a spatula as John entered.  
  
"G'morning, Uncle John."  
  
"G'mornin', Gemma." John took a deep breath, inhaling the  
aroma of freshly cooked food. It was something that wasn't  
often done in his kitchen, except for the fried spam.  
Otherwise it was the aroma of microwavable goods that filled  
the kitchen air.  
  
"Mmm, breakfast smells great."  
  
"Thanks. Eggs, bacon, and toast right'ere." She brought a  
plate over to the kitchen table, with all the aforementioned  
items on it.  
  
John immediately dug in, then paused. "What, no beer?"  
  
"Too early for that," chastised Gemma.  
  
"Fine, fine, give us some orange juice then. Bloody health  
nut." He spent a few minutes groggily devouring his  
breakfast, then took a break to read over the newspaper.  
  
"So, ready for your first day of college?" he asked Gemma.  
  
"Mm-hm. I just wish they weren't renovating the bloody  
dorms," said Gemma, looking apologetic.  
  
"Aw, you can stay as long as you need, Gemma. D'worry about  
it."  
  
Gemma smiled. "Thanks, Uncle John."  
  
He pulled out the odd pen-thing one more time and stared at  
it. The thing didn't seem to have an opening, cap, no. No  
buttons either. Definitely not a pen.  
  
Quite possibly, the shortest magic wand he'd ever seen.  
  
John snorted, remembering a joke about wand length.  
  
Gemma, with her own breakfast done, joined him at the table.  
She noticed the object immediately, and felt an intense wave  
of curiosity hit.  
  
"What's that?" she asked.  
  
John frowned and put the thing back in his pocket.  
"Possibly trouble. Don't mind it, Gemma."  
  
"Can I see it?" she asked, holding out a hand.  
  
"Maybe later, Gemma. Okay?"  
  
"C'mon, please?"  
  
He gave her a firm look. "S'magic, Gemma. Remember what I  
told you about magic?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know, I shouldn't mess about  
with it."  
  
While she knew that terrible things had happened to her  
uncle because of magic, Gemma was still curious about it.  
She also thought her uncle was terribly hypocritical about  
it. Telling her to not touch it, then turning around and  
messing about with it himself?  
  
Seemed a bit unfair, that did.  
  
For now, Gemma gave up on seeing the pen, but she silently  
vowed to get a hold of it later, by hook or by crook.  
  
- - -  
  
Somewhere in his maze, the robed figure known as Destiny was  
pacing about calmly as he was known to do. His book, in  
which the tale of mankind was written, was open, as it often  
was.  
  
He looked a bit puzzled, which was considerably out of the  
ordinary for him.  
  
His confusion washed away once he read some fine print on  
the page.  
  
John Constantine.  
  
Ah. Well. That would explain it then.  
  
With a neutral expression back on his face, he continued his walk.  
  
- - -  
  
The cat had a headache.  
  
There was something on its mind... something about... a  
stick? A wand? Sailors?  
  
Aaaagh, couldn't remember. It wondered where it got the  
headache. Perhaps it hit that lamp post? Probably.  
  
It got to its feet unsteadily and wobbled down the street,  
trying furiously to remember what it was that was so  
important.  
  
Sailor.... sailor.... something about sailor...  
  
Maybe sailors going fishing?  
  
Hm.  
  
Fish sounded good.  
  
It decided it was hungry and went off in search of fish.  
And, it reasoned, if whatever it forgot was truly  
important, it'd remember sooner or later.  
  
- - -  
  
It had been an uneventful day so far, just the typical  
routine for John.  
  
Stop by Bill's and collect the money he'd won off the horses  
(the 'rent money' he called it) and other assorted sports  
gambling activities, swing over to some of the local  
occultist dives to get some news and make some trades, and  
finally over to Meadow Lane Retirement Center.  
  
That last one was the 'itch' of the day, as he called it.  
Something odd and supernatural was going on there, and an  
old neighbor who was now stuck in that place, old Mrs.  
Moore, had called up and asked him to look into it.  
  
Ordinarily, he'd never be caught dead doing charity work,  
but as of late it had been staggeringly quiet. John was an  
addict of occult activity, and he needed to scratch that  
itch.  
  
That, and Mrs. Moore was a nice enough lady. It didn't hurt  
that Mrs. Moore was a 'sensitive' either, which meant that  
when she had a feeling about something, there was usually a  
good reason for it.  
  
It was going to be a routine 'house cleaning'.  
  
Or so he thought.  
  
- - -  
  
Gemma Masters sat under a tree, idly killing time by doodling  
until her next class was to begin. She hadn't had a good  
sleep last night, mainly because of this odd recurring dream  
she'd been having recently.  
  
The details were sketchy in her mind, always rushing out of  
her memory as she woke up and leaving Gemma with only bits  
and pieces of the dream.  
  
A majestic kingdom.  
  
A terrible evil.  
  
Darkness.  
  
Space.  
  
Stars.  
  
A cloaked figure.  
  
An explosion.  
  
She shook her head at it all, irritated that the images in  
her mind wouldn't gel together. Then she looked at her  
paper and frowned.  
  
Sketched by her own hand was the image of a planet.  
  
Exploding.  
  
- - -  
  
The Meadow Lane Retirement Center was, in John's eyes, a  
ghastly example of good intentions messing things up. The  
center occupied floors eight through fourteen of the Meadow  
Lane Medical Center, a thirty floor complex dedicated to  
medical research and health care. The elderly got a nice  
bonus since the nearest hospital was just a few floors up.  
On the other hand, the hospital got their patients easier,  
could bring them in cheaper than using an ambulance, and  
there was quite a bit of suspicion that they were running  
secret experiments on the tenants.  
  
John casually ignored the 'no smoking' sign and entered the  
tower, heading straight for the elevators.  
  
As he hit floor eight, he looked around and scowled in  
disgust. Sterile air, sterile floors, sterile walls,  
sterile chairs, there was so much sterility it made John  
shiver with revulsion.  
  
An elderly woman, with long white hair and a slight stoop  
in her posture greeted John. "Hello, dearie. Nice t'see  
you again."  
  
"Hello, Mrs. Moore. Your son chucked you away to here? You  
ought to have someone kick his arse."  
  
"Oh hush, John," replied Mrs. Moore, giving him a light bap  
on the arm. "It's better this way. 'Sides, I can't stand  
the little tart he married. Smarmy little bitch, she is."  
  
John nodded and resumed walking down the halls, saying an  
occasional hello to the various senior citizens within.  
Silently, he vowed to himself that this would never, ever be  
his fate.  
  
He paused.  
  
There, in the air.  
  
The faintest of scents.  
  
Blood. Brimstone. Candles.  
  
"Bloody hell."  
  
"Y'sense something, Johnny?" asked Mrs. Moore.  
  
"Yeah luv. I think... you'd best get back to yer room."  
  
"Oh, messy business, is it?"  
  
"Yeah, you can say that."  
  
It was a summoning. Not just the run-of-the-mill demon  
summoning either. Whoever was doing the summoning was  
reaching to the dark dimensions, the great unknown of the  
occult. Reaching into that world always ended in chaos and  
disaster, and every now and then something nasty with  
tentacles.  
  
Well, he'd put an end to that nonsense.  
  
Following his senses, he took the elevator and began to  
ascend to the 14th floor. He paused, and looked down at the  
floor he was just on. The 12th floor.  
  
Oh. Right. There was some sort of superstition. No 13th  
floors in buildings. So technically, the 14th floor was  
the 13th floor.  
  
Hmmm.  
  
"How bloody appropriate," he deadpanned.  
  
Then he began to feel it in the air. Something was  
stirring, building up, rising.  
  
Magic.  
  
And suddenly the power spiked. Static energy filled the air  
and buzzed in his ears.  
  
It only meant one thing: he was too late.  
  
- - -  
  
Jack Emerson was 87 years old... and hating it. This tired  
frame, these aches and pains, they served to remind him of  
the slow and steady decay of his body.  
  
He would have none of it.  
  
Jack remembered better days, when the young women swooned at  
his touch and the men moved out of his path. Now the young  
ladies flinched at his touch and the men treated him like a  
joke.  
  
No more.  
  
Oh, he'd found a way, yessir, found a way to recapture the  
glory of youth. It just involved making a deal with the  
devil. Of course, there would be a price to pay, but he  
wasn't willing to offer his soul.  
  
There was, however, an entire building of tired, useless,  
unsuspecting spirits, all around him. Useless buggers.  
Besides, nobody would notice a heart attack or two now and  
then, not in a senior citizen's home.  
  
With a final stroke of charcoal upon the floor, he completed  
an intricate pattern of lines and spirals upon the once  
sterile floor.  
  
A gust of wind swirled through the room and the lights all  
dimmed. At the heart of the complex diagram, a column of  
smoke arose.  
  
- - -  
  
Out of the darkness of the great beyond, she rushed towards  
the earth realm. Her kind hadn't been doing so well lately,  
with the fall of Queen Beryl and Queen Metallia. Still,  
they managed to eek out an existence in the Dark Kingdom.  
She was the first to come to earth after the fall.  
  
Her brothers and sisters had tried to rush forth on their  
own before, in the heydey of Queen Beryl, and it'd gotten  
them zapped by THEM, those girls in short skirts and magical  
sticks. On the whole, she felt it was a silly way for their  
kind to die.  
  
She decided to do it the old fashioned way, via contract.  
  
And she decided to do it FAR away from THEM, and London  
was very and nicely far away.  
  
The world around her began to shift into focus, and she soon  
found herself standing at the center of a diagram of  
summoning. Briefly, she looked herself over to make sure  
everything made it through the trip.  
  
There were a few rare instances where those that were  
summoned made the trip missing a few... things... due to  
the summoner's incompetence.  
  
All body parts, check.  
  
Flowing black cape, check.  
  
Spiffy and sexy black pseudo-military uniform, check.  
  
She took a moment to straighten out her cloak and hair, then  
took a quick peek at the mirror in the room.  
  
Ah, perfect.  
  
Right then, to work.  
  
The room she found herself in was amazingly drab. White  
walls, white ceiling, white lights, white sheet. The only  
thing not white was the black diagram on the floor. An old  
man stood at the diagram's edge, eyeing her lecherously.  
  
"Who is it that summons me?" she asked.  
  
"I, Jack Emerson, summon you," said the old man.  
  
"What is it you wish for, Jack Emerson?" she asked.  
  
"I wish for youth."  
  
"What do you offer?" she asked.  
  
"I offer souls, the souls of those that dwell within this  
tower."  
  
The door slowly creaked open, surprising them both. A lone  
figure clad in a trenchcoat stood there and looked at them  
both calmly.  
  
"Not so fast, squire," he said.  
  
She looked at the stranger with mild irritation. He seemed  
to be ordinary enough. At least he wasn't one of those  
lunatic girls with short skirts and magic wands.  
  
- - -  
  
Buried deep within a pocket of John's trenchcoat, the  
mysterious pen began to glow.  
  
It sensed one of THEM near.  
  
Something would have to be done, but the chosen one was  
nowhere near.  
  
It was having an anxiety attack.  
  
Because Gemma Masters wasn't here.  
  
- - -  
  
"Now what's going on here, eh?" asked John. He looked first  
at the old man, then the young woman, and finally the  
diagram.  
  
Mm-hm. Definitely summoning from the dark dimensions. At  
least the old fart didn't summon up something with tentacles.  
That would've been a bloody nuisance and a half.  
  
The next trick would be to get the woman.... demoness....  
whatever she was.... back to wherever she belonged.  
  
"Do not intrude, mortal," said the woman.  
  
"Bugger off, ya cheeky wanker!" growled the old man.  
  
"You," said John, pointing at the old man, "shut the fuck  
up. And you," he said, pointing to the woman, "exactly who  
the hell are you?"  
  
She stood tall and proud. "I am Calcite of the Dark  
Kingdom."  
  
Dark Kingdom? John frowned. Hadn't heard that one before.  
  
"Calcite? Innit the stuff that comes with milk?"  
  
"Bugger off, damn you!" wheezed the old man.  
  
The woman scowled, fire lighting around her. "How DARE  
you!"  
  
John shrugged. The girl didn't seem to be much, a typical  
soul peddler. The old man was an occult novice, so there  
wasn't anything to worry about there. Just dismantle this  
little scene peacefully then go home for some Guinness.  
  
But first, the trademark cigarette.  
  
He reached in his pocket and pulled out a cigarette, then  
paused just as it was inches from his face.  
  
Wait.  
  
That wasn't a cigarette.  
  
It was that bloody stupid pen.  
  
- - -  
  
Calcite gasped. That man had one of THOSE wands.  
  
- - -  
  
Jack nearly tore his hair out. He ALMOST had the ceremony  
done! Damn that... that... that young punk!  
  
- - -  
  
John stared at the pen for a moment, mesmerized by the  
swirling patterns on its surface. It seemed to encourage  
him to say whatever came naturally to his mind. It seemed,  
in fact, very urgent that he say what came naturally to his  
mind.  
  
What naturally came to his mind at that point were these  
words:  
  
"Bloody friggin' hell..."  
  
The wand somehow seemed puzzled, an amazing achievement in  
itself. Those weren't quite the words, no. Normally, it'd  
be something like 'MOON CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!' or 'PLUTO  
PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!' or something like that.  
  
'Bloody friggin' hell' was not quite it.  
  
It was, however, the words that came naturally to the  
subject's mind.  
  
So....  
  
*POOF*  
  
"What the.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGH!!!"  
  
- - -  
  
Lectures, thought Gemma, were a bloody bore. She seriously  
mulled over sneaking out of the auditorium, bumming off her  
classmates' notes later on.  
  
Suddenly, she felt a chill run through her spine. It was as  
if something had left her... a piece of her soul, perhaps.  
  
She frowned and shrugged off the feeling, blaming it on not  
enough sleep, then snuck out.  
  
- - -  
  
Calcite stood there, gaping. She'd heard of this sort of  
thing, but never actually seen it or really believed it.  
  
Where once there stood an ordinary man, there was now a  
young woman. Not just a young woman, but a young woman  
dressed all in black, with a ridiculously short pleated  
skirt, arm length gloves, and knee high boots.  
  
And she was holding the wand.  
  
"Oh no," she whimpered. "It's one of them."  
  
- - -  
  
Instincts were racing through his body, words buzzing  
through his head, and John struggled to keep them at bay.  
  
He was a She.  
  
She was a GIRL.  
  
She was a GIRL in a SHORT SKIRT.  
  
She was tremendously, royally, unmeasurably pissed off.  
  
John raised her glare from the pen to the woman, and words,  
not entirely his own, flowed from his mouth.  
  
"Taking advantage of the elderly..." she said through  
gritted teeth, "to power the forces of darkness..."  
  
In her mind, she wondered what the hell she was saying. These  
words were crap! Overdramatic bullshit that you wouldn't catch the  
worst actress saying!  
  
"In the name of... in the name of..." She shuddered,  
fighting the words that were trying to come out.  
  
There was no way in hell she was willing to say 'In the name  
of love, I will punish you!'.  
  
No.  
  
Bloody.  
  
Way.  
  
John straightened herself out, pointed the wand at the  
woman, and posed dramatically, though in a somewhat macho  
fashion.  
  
"In the name of love.... fuck off."  
  
- e n d p a r t 1 -  
  



	3. london calling

---------------------------------  
Rod M. & David Tai present...  
  
John Constantine:  
SAILOR HELLBLAZER  
  
part 2  
london calling  
  
A 'Blame Mike Loader' Production  
---------------------------------  
  
It shook the walls of Hell, echoing through its seven  
levels, shattering brittle bones and nearly knocking Charon  
off his boat.  
  
It sent a dread chill through all that heard it, this alien  
sound that did not belong in the land of eternal flames.  
  
The noise of it could be heard through even the land of  
Faerie, the Mortal Plane, and even the fringes of Heaven.  
  
The First of the Fallen was laughing his ass off.  
  
- - -  
  
Had things been normal, John would have wrapped up the  
situation neatly. It wasn't like there was any overly  
powerful demonic forces at work here, just a soul peddler  
named Calcite from the dark dimensions and a geriatric  
occult novice named Jack Emerson.  
  
Except there were was one startling change to the usual  
routine.  
  
John Constantine was, at the moment, a girl. To be more  
exact, he was a very young woman, clad in a black, short  
pleated skirt, a black sleeveless shirt of odd sorts that  
looked a bit like something a World War Two sailor would've  
worn, black arm length gloves, knee-high black boots, and a  
thin golden tiara. If she had looked in the mirror, she'd  
say she looked like a girl from a private school for  
dominatrix types.  
  
And she'd just said said something that felt fairly silly  
and useless.  
  
"In the name of love... fuck off."  
  
It made the old man blink. It made John feel real stupid.  
  
It seemed to confuse Calcite.  
  
- - -  
  
"In the name of love," said Calcite slowly, "fuck off?"  
  
She was feeling a little alarmed, a bit scared, and very  
confused. All those ridiculous 'Sailor Scout' types were in  
Japan, weren't they? This was London.  
  
Also, Calcite didn't quite recall those Sailor Scouts ever  
being quite as... vulgar. She thought it over.  
  
Moon Stick Up The Arse? Jupiter Thundering Butt-whipping?  
Venus Bitch Slap Chain?  
  
Nope, none of the other Sailor Scouts ever said anything  
like THAT.  
  
It was clear that this was not only a Sailor Scout, but a  
deranged one.  
  
Calcite needed an out, and needed one fast. When her  
brothers and sisters clashed with one of them, they almost  
always ended up dead, even the ones that decided that  
running away was a good idea.  
  
She hadn't come prepared to do battle with one of  
THEM and felt that it was NOT a good day to die.  
  
- - -  
  
John felt instincts bubbling up in her mind, mostly cheezy  
phrases and nifty action poses. She was sick of those  
instincts. Because of them she was no longer a he and she'd  
just said a really stupid battle phrase.  
  
Be damned if she'd listen to THOSE instincts again.  
  
With some effort, she shoved down the instinctual urges and  
tried to do things her way.  
  
- - -  
  
"Y'see this rod here?" said the Sailor Scout, waving the  
magic pen about.  
  
Calcite took a nervous step back, trying to put up a brave  
front. "Feh, what're you going to do, zap me with it?"  
  
Actually, that's exactly what she was afraid was about to  
happen.  
  
This is it, Calcite thought. This is where the ridiculous  
looking girl in the mini-skirt with the magic wand zaps me  
and I die looking like an idiot.  
  
"No," said the Sailor Scout. "I'm gonna shove it up yer  
arse unless you go back t'where you came from."  
  
Calcite considered this for a moment. The Sailor Scout here  
wasn't going to zap her. She was actually being offered the  
option to go back to the Dark Kingdom in one piece.  
  
Righto. Time to leave!  
  
"Okay. Seeya!" With a quick bow Calcite surrounded herself  
in a small column of black smoke, then disappeared.  
  
- - -  
  
Jack Emerson paled with shock and alarm. "Wait! No! What  
about our deal!?" His protests were in vain, as Calcite had  
already gone, leaving only a small wisp of smoke in her  
wake.  
  
John sighed. It wasn't exactly her usual operating  
procedure, but it worked and it didn't involve any stupid  
melodramatic phrases or poses.  
  
Now then, to make sure this didn't happen again...  
  
John took one menacing step towards the geriatric novice  
occultist, then wobbled around like an idiot, as John  
Constantine did not normally walk about in high heels and it  
showed.  
  
"Shit, this too?" she grumbled. After a few tentative steps  
forward to get used to the feel, she stalked (it was a  
really wobbly sort of stalk, but still a stalk) to the old  
man and lifted him up by his shirt.  
  
"And YOU, if you even THINK about doing this stunt ever  
again, I'll make sure you end up in Hell! You got that?!"  
  
He nodded, though his gaze seemed distracted.  
  
"Oi!" yelled John. "You listening to me? Hey.... eh?"  
  
It was at this point she realized he was staring down at her  
cleavage.  
  
"YOU BLOODY PERVERT!"  
  
*WHAM*  
  
- - -  
  
Gemma Constantine Masters hefted her backpack a bit  
unsteadily, walking from the book stop to Uncle John's  
townhouse with gritted teeth. It stunned her how many books  
were required for her classes, and it annoyed her greatly  
how many of those required books were written by the  
instructors.  
  
Bloody vultures, those bastards.  
  
On the whole, it'd been a so-so day. The professors didn't  
seem too terrible and the course materials weren't too  
terribly daunting.  
  
It looked to be a rather pleasant first semester in college.  
  
*MEOW*  
  
She blinked and looked down, where a rather ragged and  
battered white cat was rubbing up against her leg.  
  
"Hello there, kitty-cat," she said, bending down to scratch  
it behind the ears. The cat purred, seemingly pleased at  
the contact. "You poor thing," said Gemma, "looks like  
you've had a rough time of it."  
  
The cat meowed and nodded, followed by a few *ACK*s and  
*Pthppth*s.  
  
Gemma wondered if Uncle John would mind having a cat in the  
house. She didn't know why, but she felt it was important  
to have the cat around.  
  
"C'mon then, kitty. Least I can do is give you some milk."  
  
The cat meowed enthusiastically and followed. It didn't  
know who the girl was, but she seemed somewhat familiar. It  
liked the girl, definitely, and felt it was very important  
to be near her.  
  
"Now," said Gemma. "What are we going to call you?"  
  
*Meow*ack*hiss*ack*pthppth*ack*  
  
She smiled. "I know. We'll call you Bill."  
  
Bill? The cat thought it over. Bill didn't seem quite  
appropriate, no, but it would have to do for now.  
  
"C'mon, Bill. Let's get you that milk."  
  
*Meow*ack*  
  
"Ick, and we'll clean you up too. Looks like you need some  
bandages. There's nasty cuts on you, like the one on your  
head there, see?"  
  
*Meow?*  
  
- - -  
  
The elevator slowly made its way from the 14th floor. A  
stunned, silent, and still female John Constantine stood  
there and watched the floor meter count down to one.  
  
He was a she.  
  
He was a she.  
  
He was a she.  
  
Holy shite, he was a she.  
  
Suddenly, she began choking the magic rod, shaking it about  
violently.  
  
"CHANGE ME BACK, YOU BLOODY STUPID FUCKING THING!!! CHANGE  
ME BAAAAAAAAACK!!!"  
  
The elevator passed several levels. The moonlight orchestra  
played the flute and violin version of The Clash's 'Should I  
Stay or Should I Go' on the elevator speakers.  
  
The pen-like object remained silent.  
  
John Constantine remained a girl.  
  
"FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOUUU!"  
  
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*  
  
The floor meter pinged 8. The moonlight orchestra began  
their flute and cello version of 'We Will Rock You'. There  
were a few magic-wand-shaped dents in the wall.  
  
The wand was unscathed.  
  
John was still female.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAGH!"  
  
She threw the wand down in disgust, sank to the floor, and  
covered her face with her hands. This was a nightmare, one  
big awful nightmare and yet another cosmic prank from the  
gods as far as she was concerned.  
  
Stupid mini-skirt. Stupid tits. Stupid high heels.  
  
Damn.  
  
Blast.  
  
Felching Heck.  
  
John almost yelled out 'WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!',  
but after thinking it over, she had to admit she was due for  
some bad karma.  
  
But THIS?  
  
"At least," she growled, face still buried in hands, "gimmie  
my bloody trenchcoat."  
  
With a swirl of wind, she found her trenchcoat once more  
around her.  
  
John blinked, then stared at the magic wand strewn on the  
floor.  
  
"Well then, you do listen to me, don't you."  
  
The pen remained silent.  
  
"Don't suppose you could turn me back now, eh?"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Thought not."  
  
The elevator meter pinged 1 and the doors slowly slid open.  
With a sigh, she picked up the wand, closed up her  
trenchcoat, and began walking.  
  
Time to calm down, she told herself. Get your head  
straight, think it over, get some facts on the matter. Now,  
who to see? Dr. Occult knew about this male/female  
weirdness, so he might be able to help. He was in America,  
though, so that would have to wait for a while. Zatanna was  
in town as part of her tour, but she wasn't sure if she  
wanted Zatanna to see her like THIS.  
  
People to see, things to do.  
  
She'd be damned if she was going to stay a she for much  
longer. There was no way she was planning on having to be a  
girl long enough to need to know how a tampon worked.  
  
First things first: she needed a lift.  
  
- - -  
  
Chas Chandler, professional cabbie, thought it was going to  
be a normal day. So far, so good, with a nice amount of  
cash in the till and not too many morons on the road.  
  
Then he saw a girl in a trenchcoat, stumbling down the road  
a bit clumsily, waving at him. That was the moment it all  
went downhill.  
  
He pulled over next to her and rolled down his window.  
"Need a lift, miss?"  
  
The woman turned, and her face broke out into a grin as  
she ran up to the car. "Chas! Christ, I'm glad you're  
here, mate!"  
  
He blinked, and his mind began racing. Girl. Short dirty  
blond hair. In her 20's. Trenchcoat. No... don't know  
anyone like that... um... nope... nope... don't think so...  
  
"Um, do I know you?"  
  
The girl's face looked confused for a moment, then scowled  
with realization. "Chas, I know this is gonna sound crazy,  
but it's me, John."  
  
Chas stared at her for a moment.  
  
"Get outta the car, y'daft bitch."  
  
"Dammit, Chas!" yelled the woman, holding on to the car door  
as it began to move forward. "Hold on a moment!"  
  
"I'd let go of the door if I were you," grumbled Chas.  
  
"Who else'd know you asked me to kill yer mom's bloody  
monkey! Eh?"  
  
Chas froze. The monkey incident. That was something which  
would scar his soul forever. Any time he heard or saw a  
monkey after that, he was rendered impotent for weeks after.  
  
It was a truly ugly incident.  
  
And this woman knew of it.  
  
Possibly.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about, lady," he grumbled.  
  
"C'mon, Chas! I KNOW you don't want me to talk about the  
details!"  
  
"Wot details?" He eyed her dangerously.  
  
"Two words, Chas. Anal probe."  
  
Oh shit.  
  
No way.  
  
"John?" Chas asked timidly.  
  
"Does the trenchcoat look fuckin' familiar?" the woman  
snarled. "C'mon, Chas! It's starting to rain out here and  
these high heels are killin' me!"  
  
"R-right, get in."  
  
The woman quickly hopped in the back seat and sighed as she  
settled in.  
  
"John, issat really you?" asked Chas in disbelief.  
  
"Yeah, it's me," said John wearily. "Mate, y'not gonna  
believe the kind of day I just had..."  
  
- - -  
  
The Time Palace was a place outside of the normal bounds of  
reality. Here, standing guard over time was the wise and  
serene Sailor Pluto.  
  
With her long, dark green hair, tall and lean form, and  
serious demeanor, she was very much a mystery woman to her  
fellow Sailor Scouts.  
  
Today, something was disturbing her tranquil thoughts, a  
presence she thought was long dead and put to rest. Though  
with the return of the other Sailor Scouts, she guessed it  
should have been expected.  
  
Would she make the same mistakes now that she did all those  
years ago?  
  
There was only one way to find out.  
  
- - -  
  
"Well, here I am again," said Minako flatly. She looking  
out from the windows of Heathrow airport, with nothing but  
tarmac in her sights, and sighed.  
  
London, England.  
  
The normally cheerful and chatty girl was subdued and  
contemplative. A long time ago, she'd stayed here along  
with two friends, Katerina... and Alan.  
  
Katerina was like an older sister to her. Alan was the  
first man she'd ever fallen in love with. They both  
shattered her heart when she found out they were in love  
with each other. Disillusioned, bitter, and sad, she  
disappeared from their lives and left England for good.  
  
Or so she thought.  
  
It is said that time heals all wounds, and those left by  
Katerina and Alan were eventually mended by time and effort.  
She missed them dearly, as they missed her, and all was  
forgiven.  
  
Still, a part of her heart would still loved, and would  
always be in love with Alan.  
  
And that was exactly why she was feeling somber at that  
moment.  
  
She was back.  
  
In England.  
  
For the wedding of Katerina and Alan.  
  
Minako thought she was over him at last, and ready to face  
the reality of Alan and Katerina, happily ever after, till  
death do they part...  
  
"Aaaargh."  
  
What I need, she thought, is a good walk. The wedding  
wasn't for another few days. There was lots of London to  
wander.  
  
And so she wandered.  
  
- - -  
  
It was a pub like any other, filled with mostly normal folk,  
except the agitated cabbie and the irritated girl in a  
trenchcoat sitting in a corner booth.  
  
"And 'poof', you went an'... er... lost your manhood?" asked  
Chas, astonished.  
  
"Seems to be, mate." John scowled at her glass of beer for  
a moment, then downed it in one fell swoop.  
  
"Shit, John, this is... this is..."  
  
"Pretty fucking ridiculous, innit?"  
  
"T'say the least, mate. Wot'cha gonna do now?"  
  
John shrugged. "Not sure. There's a few mates of mine that  
might be in the know on this bollocks. Need you to gimmie a  
lift for a while, okay?"  
  
"Aw, c'mon John. Me boss'll kill me!"  
  
"I'll kill you first," growled John. "You owe me, dammit."  
  
"Won't do us a bit of good if I'm fired, eh?" griped Chas.  
  
She sighed, then pulled out a wad of cash, her winnings from  
the previous week's gambling. "Fine, I'll cover the bloody  
cost. Here, eh?" She tossed a few bills Chas' way, then  
stood up.  
  
"Hey, where're you going?" asked Chas.  
  
"Need 'nother beer."  
  
"Oh."  
  
She strode over to the bar for another glass, making sure  
the trenchcoat was firmly closed around her.  
  
"Oi! Nice arse!"  
  
"Shattup, Chas!"  
  
"Hahahahaha!"  
  
For once, Chas got in a good joke at John's expense. This  
just might be a good day yet, thought the cabbie.  
  
Returning with a mug in hand, John made her way clumsily  
(cursing the high heels every step of the way) through the  
somewhat crowded tables. A few feet into the mess, a tragic  
mistake was made.  
  
Someone grabbed John's ass.  
  
Startled, John dropped her drink to the floor and whirled  
around to see a table full of drunk rowdies, all leering at  
her.  
  
"Awright, who's the wiseass?!" Chas heard her snarl. He  
groaned, not in the mood for a bar fight, and really hoped  
one didn't start now. He couldn't hear exactly what the men  
were saying to her, but Chas had a bad feeling it wasn't  
helping the situation.  
  
His fears were confirmed when when she yelled and picked up  
one of the ruffians by the shirt collar.  
  
"You made me spill my friggin' drink, arsehole! In the  
name'a all beer drinking girls everywhere, I'm gonna kick  
your arse to the moon!"  
  
She meant to toss him over the table. Instead, she tossed  
him across the room and out the window.  
  
The bar suddenly went silent.  
  
John looked astonished. "Oh. Bugger."  
  
Needless to say, with a room full of people drunk to various  
degrees was a powder keg waiting to explode.  
  
"Get the bitch!"  
  
And John had just set off the spark.  
  
- - -  
  
Once more the dynamic duo of Chas Chandler and John  
Constantine had set off on the road, though Chas was looking  
a little worse for wear, with a bruise on his face and a cut  
near his eye.  
  
"What the hell did y'do that for?!" yelled Chas.  
  
"It was an accident!" John yelled back. "Didn't mean to  
throw the man out the window! Shite, I didn't know I could  
do that!" She looked at her hands as if they were dangerous  
weapons, which she believed they were at the moment. "I've  
turned into Wonder Woman, Chas. This is ridiculous."  
  
"And what the hell was that speech?"  
  
"What speech?"  
  
"In the name'a all beer drinking girls everywhere, et-cetera  
et-cetera."  
  
"I dunno," said John. "It just seemed to come up  
automatically, reflex-like, y'know?  
  
"Next you'll be kickin' arse in the name of Truth, Justice,  
and Britania."  
  
"Shut up, you. At least we kicked arse, eh?"  
  
"Says the super 'ero inna mini-skirt," said Chas  
sarcastically.  
  
John frowned. "Hm. I do seem to be one'a those wankers,  
now don't I? Even gots me own sidekick, Cabbie Boy."  
  
"Har-har. Very funny." Chas smirked "Actually, you ought  
t'be feeling bloody proud right now."  
  
"Oh?" asked John. "How d'ya figure that?"  
  
"S'the first time you didn't get yer arse beaten silly in a  
fist fight."  
  
John had to admit, that was entirely true.  
  
"Har-bloody-har. Very funny, Chuckles."  
  
"So, where to next?"  
  
"To my flat, I guess.... no." She looked out the cab window  
miserably and sighed. "No way I'm letting Gemma see me like  
this. Let's see... ah. St. David University, eh?"  
  
"St. David's?"  
  
John nodded. "Yeah, there's a few lads that might know  
what's going on with this damned ridiculous mini-skirt and  
super-heroics bullshit. And Chas?"  
  
"Yeh?"  
  
"Got a cig? 'Cos I _really_ need a smoke right about now."  
  
- - -  
  
The very fabric of Hell was still thundering with the sounds  
of the gleeful and chaotic laughter of the First of the  
Fallen.  
  
He thought about going up there, to laugh in John's face and  
such, but if there was one thing he learned it was that  
getting too personally involved sometimes didn't pay.  
  
Oh, but there was more than one way to skin a sailor, and  
the First of the Fallen was in a mood to play.  
  
Still snickering and walking unevenly as laughter shook  
through him, he stood tall posed as dramatically as he could  
while snickering and snorting.  
  
"RELEASE... aheheheh.... HA!... RELEASE THE HOUNDS!"  
  
Maybe John would die. Maybe not. Either way, he hoped  
Constantine would put up a good show.  
  
- - -  
  
//And in the news today-//  
  
-click-  
  
//Look out, Sailor V!//  
  
-click-  
  
//And Green slices it a bit to the right-//  
  
-click-  
  
//Tenoh and Wrightson neck and neck in the final lap!//  
  
-click-  
  
//-will punish you!//  
  
With another click of the remote, Gemma turned off the  
television. "Nothing on the telly when you really need it,  
eh Bill?"  
  
The cat, busy eyeing the bandage on its forehead, took a  
moment to look blankly at her and meowed. Then it stared  
out the window to the balcony.  
  
"Hm? What's that you're looking at, Bill?" Gemma followed  
the cat's gaze to the open balcony, and nearly screamed in  
surprise when she saw someone there.  
  
The silhouette of a mysterious woman with long flowing hair  
was visible, although barely, in the dark of night. There  
was something familiar about her, thought Gemma. A flicker  
of memory and emotions ran through her mind's eye,  
frustratingly blurry and unclear.  
  
The mystery woman seemed to notice Gemma's confusion and  
turned away.  
  
"No, wait!"  
  
Gemma rushed to the balcony, but the stranger had already  
leaped away and into the night.  
  
A single name arose from the depths of her mind.  
  
"Pluto."  
  
- - -  
  
Twilight turned to darkness and swept through the land,  
catching Chas and John speeding through the edge of town on  
eerily isolated streets.  
  
"Hey, er, John?" asked Chas, an edgy quivering in his  
voice.  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Er, whassat behind us?"  
  
John turned around and looked at the darkness behind them.  
"S'nothing there, Chuckles."  
  
"You sure, John? I can swear there's these red-like things  
there," said Chas nervously.  
  
"Red... what?"  
  
John turned around again, and this time looked long and  
hard. Finally he noticed them. Two... four... eight...  
more... lots of pairs of small red dots bobbing up and down  
in the darkness behind them and steadily growing larger.  
  
Eyes. Glowing red eyes.  
  
"Uh oh."  
  
"Uh oh? Uh oh WHAT?" asked a steadily panicking Chas.  
  
John rolled down the window slightly, then sniffed the air.  
The taint of brimstone and excrement was in the wind.  
  
"Oh. Shite."  
  
"What?! What?!"  
  
"Chas, don't slow down."  
  
"Why?! What's going on?!"  
  
"Hellhounds."  
  
- e n d p a r t 2 -  



	4. venus over london

---------------------------------  
Rod M. & David Tai present...  
  
John Constantine:  
SAILOR HELLBLAZER  
  
part 3  
venus over london  
  
A 'Blame Mike Loader' Production  
---------------------------------  
  
A select crowd had gathered in a deep, dark cavern of Hell.  
They all had one thing in common: they'd been screwed over  
by John Constantine.  
  
Heading the gathering was the First of the Fallen, seated  
upon a throne of bones and looking over the impromptu  
convention.  
  
"Ladies, gentlemen, please!" he yelled. "The show's about  
to start! Settle down, now... OR ELSE."  
  
The room immediately fell silent.  
  
"Now then, someone fix the damned reception! The image is  
all fuzzy!"  
  
A minor demon scrabbled up to the front room and quickly  
fiddled with some runic symbols. A gigantic image at the  
end of the room slowly sharpened into the image of a taxi  
cab racing into the night, pursued by a pack of hellhounds.  
  
And within the cab was the star of the show, John  
Constantine.  
  
A female John Constantine.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
The small cab blazed through the streets of London, nearly  
mowing down several pedestrians in the process.  
  
"Chas, they're GAINING! Get this piece of shite moving a  
little FASTER!"  
  
"I'm going as fast as I can, dammit!" yelled Chas.  
  
"It isn't enough!"  
  
"If you've any suggestions, I'd LOVE to hear 'em now!"  
  
"Shite, I dunno! Turn or something!"  
  
"Turn? Right!"  
  
They turned, right into a dead end. The alley was flanked  
by tall buildings, and the end had an impossibly high  
concrete wall blocking the way.   
  
"REAL good going, Chas!"  
  
"Shut up! It was your bloody idea!"  
  
The car shook violently, jarring the two from their  
argument. They turned around to see the large pack of  
hellhounds standing quietly behind them, blocking the way  
out.   
  
One of them had a tire in its maw.  
  
Chas' eyes bulged. "Oh shit! John, do something!"  
  
"Like what?!"  
  
"You've got them super hero powers now! Go out there and do  
something super-heroic!"  
  
"Are you mad?!"  
  
"You got any other suggestions?!"  
  
They glared at each other for a moment longer.  
  
The car shook again. This time, a hound yanked off the rear  
bumper.  
  
"Shite. I hate it when you're right," grumbled John.  
  
Very nervously, John got out of the car and faced the  
hellhounds. They, in turn, seemed quite relaxed. Two of  
them were busy chewing on the tire and fender.   
  
"Right then, shoo!"   
  
The dogs continued staring at her.  
  
"Go on now, get! Move along! Shoo!"  
  
One of the dogs took a step forward, sniffing the air.  
  
"Hey! Back!" John raised the mysterious pen up in a  
menacing gesture.  
  
The lead dog blinked, looked at it, then with amazing speed  
leaped up in the air and bit down on it, yanking it away from  
John's grasp.  
  
"Oh, this just keeps on getting better," snarled John.  
  
In the back of her mind, she could feel those instincts,  
that voice, all trying to come to the surface.  
  
'Not now!' she yelled in her mind.  
  
'Got any better ideas, wiseass?' the voice whispered.  
  
She had to admit she didn't.  
  
"I really hope I don't regret this," she muttered angrily to  
herself.  
  
And then she let the instincts run free.   
  
"NEMESIS SHADOW WHIP!"  
  
With a brief flash of light, an ebony coiled whip that  
seemed to be made of pure shadows materialized in her hand.  
  
Ah, a weapon. Now this was progress. But 'Shadow Whip'?  
Ech. This was starting to get tacky again.  
  
The downside of this was that it seemed to upset the dogs,  
who were now looking far more menacing than before. They  
were all growling and drooling, and the drool was melting  
the pavement.  
  
John rushed forward (and didn't stumble, despite the  
high heels) and lashed out with her whip.   
  
"Back! Back, ya mutts! Back!"   
  
The pack of hounds retreated quickly, except for an  
unfortunate pair that didn't move fast enough. The whip  
sliced through them several times, reducing the dogs to  
black lumps and splatters of blood.  
  
Two down.  
  
Lots to go.  
  
No problem.  
  
The whip was tossed away, disappearing into nothing as it  
flew in the air. The dogs seemed confused, and a few took a  
step forward to attack. They all hesitated when streaks of  
darkness began flying by them and toward John from  
everywhere.   
  
She held her hands out to her sides, the dark energies  
swirling into large spheres, each surrounding her  
outstretched fists. With a fairly dramatic sweep of her  
arms, John sent the dark spheres to the ground, where they  
quickly formed two enormous pools of absolute black.   
  
"NEMESIS ARMY OF DARKNESS!"  
  
Oh no, thought John. That really sounded stupid.  
  
Out of the darkness, dozens of inhumanoid shapes arose. Some  
were skeletal, others were bestial, and all were absolute  
in their darkness. They crawled out with a sickly and  
slurping noise, spooking the hellhounds enough to make them  
take a few more steps away.  
  
'What the Hell are they?' John wondered. Instantly, the  
part of his mind that wasn't his gave an answer.  
  
Mindless creatures they were, formed from the primordial  
soup of a dark dimension and given a form and purpose from  
_her_ command.  
  
His, apologized the voice in his head. It was so confusing   
keeping track of genders.  
  
Ah, thought John. Conjuring. This was familiar ground.  
  
The hellhounds and the dark beings stared at each other  
blankly for a moment, right before the dark creatures sprung  
forward with surprising speed. The sounds of dogs yelping  
and whining carried into the night as the unknown horrors  
tore into them.  
  
Sidekick Chas took this moment to peek out from the car and  
stare at the scene in shock. "Jesus, John, what are they?"  
  
John took this moment to pull out a cigarette and admire her  
handiwork. "Dunno, but they're vicious little bastards,  
eh?"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
People running and screaming in terror was the sort of thing  
Minako was used to seeing, primarily accompanied by some  
sort of monster attacking.  
  
She stopped one of the people running by and asked, "What's  
everyone running from?"  
  
"Devil beasts!" replied the man. "Running through the  
streets! You'd best run too!"  
  
Minako scratched her head, puzzled by it all. This was the  
sort of cheesy line she thought she'd hear of only in old  
monster movies.   
  
She smiled and pulled out her transformation wand. Looked  
like it was time for Sailor V to make her return to London.   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
*ARF*  
  
-crack-  
  
"That was nasty," grumbled Chas.  
  
"No kidding. I gotta dig through that pile of bloody muts  
and get that damned magic dildo back. Stay in the car,  
s'no telling what those nasties might do."  
  
John approached the bits and pieces of hellhound parts, very  
carefully stepping around the odd monstrosities that she'd  
summoned. For the most part, the many-shaped monstrosities  
were just standing there. More than half had already  
disappeared, gone back to wherever it was they were from.   
Of the few left, some were merely standing there while  
others seemed stuck in redundant actions, mostly pounding on  
the remains of the hellhounds even though what was left was  
rather pulpy.  
  
At last, he made his way to a dismembered hellhound head,  
its jaws clenched around the mysterious rod that had caused  
John so much misery in the first place.  
  
"This is disgusting."  
  
John pried the animal's jaws open, keeping his nose as far  
away from the rancid odor of dead hellhound as possible, and  
pulled out the transformation rod.  
  
"Now then, let's-"  
  
"Hold it right there!"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
The sight that met Sailor Venus was one of total carnage.   
Bits and chunks of flesh were scattered across the dead end  
alley. A half dozen obsidian, shambling, mindless  
monstrosities were standing amongst the carnage, some still  
tearing away at the carcasses.  
  
And at the center of it all was a woman.  
  
In a trenchcoat.  
  
And a decidedly menacing sailor uniform of all black  
underneath.  
  
If she had any doubts as to what side the woman was on, they  
were immediately put to rest when the stranger tore a dog's  
head open and pulled out what appeared to be a  
transformation rod of some sort.  
  
"Hold it right there!"  
  
The girl dropped the bloody severed dog's head and looked up  
with irritation.  
  
"Bloody hell, what NOW?"  
  
"Slaughtering innocent pets with a demon horde is pretty  
low! I'm Sailor Venus, and on behalf of pet owners  
everywhere, I'll punish you!"  
  
The woman's jaw dropped, the cigarette in her mouth almost  
falling out. "You've gotta be kiddin' m-"  
  
**WHAM**  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Chas sighed as he watched the newcomer slam into John with a  
lightning fast kick, sending John through the air and hard  
into a brick wall.  
  
This wasn't good.  
  
John Constantine was almost notoriously miserable as a brawler.  
The only reason John had fared well in the bar fight was her  
newfound super strength and speed.  
  
With a sigh, Chas settled back into the car and laid low.  
This was no situation for a mere mortal like him. Besides,  
the new girl didn't look like the type that killed, and John  
was bound to win one sooner or later.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"Ow." John shook her head to clear the cobwebs, then glared  
at the minions she'd summoned up earlier. "Well don't just  
stand there! Gimmie a bloody hand!"  
  
The creatures silently shifted their attention towards  
Sailor Venus. Too late, John realized that those creatures  
knew no restraint. They wouldn't just defend John, they'd  
be trying to kill the other girl.  
  
She scrambled to her feet in a panic. "No! Don't!"  
  
The creatures sprang forward.  
  
And with a dazzling array of kicks and punches, Sailor Venus  
decimated the monsters.  
  
"Oh. Wow."  
  
And then she set her sights on John.  
  
"VENUS CRESCENT BEAM!"  
  
A massive beam of power slammed into John, sending her  
through the the brick wall.  
  
Again.  
  
"Ow, dammit." John glared at the girl and felt ancient  
emotions of her other half bubble to the surface.  
Irritation. Anger.  
  
Not coincidentally, that's how the rest of her felt too.  
  
"Right then, that's it! NEMESIS SHADOW WAVE!"  
  
With a sweep of her arm, John sent a dark wave of energy  
flying towards Sailor Venus.   
  
"Shite, do I have to bloody scream out every time I do  
something?"  
  
The Sailor Scout rolled under the attack, then zoomed  
towards John and attacked with a series of punches and kicks  
that John didn't dodge with skill.   
  
The part of John's mind that knew what it was doing seemed  
jarred by the assault, fading further into the subconscious  
until it was barely audible.  
  
John was on her own.  
  
She retreated as quick as she could, springing up to a  
nearby rooftop. John tried to repeat what she'd done  
before, focusing on gathering energies from beyond. This  
time, instead of spheres of pure obsidian energy surrounding  
her fists, these seemed to be tainted with the occasional  
red flicker.  
  
"Bloody Hell I hope I do this right- ARMY OF DARKNESS!"  
  
The spheres zoomed down to the ground, turning the pavement  
it struck into large pools of darkness, though flickering  
with some flames. Venus jumped back and watched the ground  
carefully, and so did John.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
M'hoe, Lar-eeee, and Kha'Re were denizens of Hell.  
  
They weren't especially nasty looking demons, being rather  
simple in design. They were hairless, fat, with two small  
horns, and armed with a pitchfork.  
  
They weren't especially high ranking denizens of Hell.  
Theirs was to go about sticking a pitchfork wherever it was  
needed, the rough equivalent of Hell's janitors.  
  
It was a mundane job, but someone had to do it.  
  
At the moment, they were wishing they had a mundane duty to  
do. Instead they were helping out the demon lord Blathoxi.  
  
He was not a very pleasant demon to be around, especially  
when he was in the sauna.  
  
"My towel! Where is my towel! And my drink! And the  
flesh for the fire!"  
  
"C-coming, m-my lord!"  
  
"Right away, my lord!"  
  
"Flaming flesh, on its way!"  
  
A funny thing happened right about then.  
  
The trio of demons, and their lord, were unexpectedly, and  
unwillingly, summoned and bound to task.  
  
*POOF*  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Sailor Venus watched the shadow-stained ground warily, ready  
for any attack that might arise from it. Probably more of  
those dark gross things, she thought.  
  
"So, bringing in more youma to do your dirtywoEEEEWWW WHAT'S  
THAT SMELL?!"   
  
With a brief and tall flare of flame, four creatures stood  
before her. Three of them were hairless, bald, and rather  
fat. One was carrying a glass, another had a towel, and a  
third had something blubbery that was ... on fire?   
  
The fourth demon, however, was different. It was huge,  
towering over the other three, easily three times the height  
of Sailor Venus and four times as wide. Its face was  
covered in blisters and boils, a few oozing. The demon was  
also barely clothed, with only a small towel stolen from the  
Hilton covering its nether regions.  
  
All of these features were not the reason it stood out.  
  
Blathoxi was, by duty, title, and talent, the Demon Lord of  
Flatulence.  
  
"What is the MEANING of this!" roared Blathoxi. His breath  
drove the air quality down severely by the mere act of  
talking.  
  
"Aaaagh! The smell!" wailed Sailor Venus.  
  
Up above, at a semi-safe distance, John sighed. "Oh  
bugger."  
  
Blathoxi blinked. He and the three other demons turned  
around slowly but angrily.  
  
"Madame," blubbered Blathoxi, "how DARE you summon me in  
such an uncivilized mann... er... have we met?" The demon  
lord peered at John, taking into account the cigarette, the  
trenchcoat, and the tell-tale irritable mood. "Are you  
perhaps related to John Consta-*AAACK*"  
  
Blathoxi didn't have enough time to discern the identity of  
his summoner. Sailor Venus had gotten her second wind  
(actually, a fresh wind) and dove into the four demons with  
a barrage of kicks and punches and keeping them off balance.  
  
"Pfargh! You imbeciles!" roared Blathoxi, ruining the air  
quality further with his bellows. "Dispose of her!"  
  
"Wid wot? Foul language?" asked M'hoe. "We din't 'ave our  
pitchforks wid us when we got zapped 'ere, ey?"   
  
Blathoxi whapped M'hoe on the forehead. "Just stop the bi-"  
  
"LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!"  
  
The four bickering demons looked up just in time to see a  
gigantic glowing gold heart slam into them, utterly  
destroying their physical shells and sending their essences  
spiraling and tumbling back to...   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
*THUD* *THUD* *THUD*  
  
"Aaaaow. Shit, 'at wos fuckin' oomiliating."  
  
"No kiddin'. Wossat that zapped us? A big gold friggin  
heart?"  
  
"Ain'been so embarrassed in all my damned life, I say. A  
big gold bloody 'art. Ooever 'eard of such bollocks?"  
  
"Oi, where's Blathoxi?"  
  
****TTTHHHUUUDDDPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT****  
  
"Aaow. Shite."  
  
"Phew."  
  
"Where's the air freshener?"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"An' I thought my stuff was silly," marveled John.  
  
"What're you calling silly?!" yelled Sailor Venus.  
  
"Love and Beauty Shock? C'mon, luv, innit just a bit daft?"  
  
To say Sailor Venus was insulted would be entirely accurate.  
  
"Why you... you... VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN!"  
  
A chain of small golden hearts swirled around Sailor Venus,  
which suddenly snaked out. John jumped away, narrowly  
avoiding the mighty chains of love.  
  
"That was not an improvement," quipped John. "Bugger, I'd  
hate to see the hate chain."  
  
"Oh yeah!?" yelled Sailor Venus. "At least I'm not...  
not... a smoker!"  
  
There was a moment of silence. Sailor Venus trembled with  
rage. John blinked.  
  
"Was that supposed to be an insult?"  
  
"Right! That's it! CRESCENT BEAM SHO-"  
  
At this moment, a certain dark green haired woman  
stepped out of the shadows and tapped Sailor Venus on   
the shoulder.  
  
"Stop."  
  
"YOW!"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
There exists, in the life of every person, that ONE person  
that knows everything.   
  
These people always have the answers, and never, ever tell  
how they know. They seem like the sort that should be able  
to solve a lot of problems, yet don't do that much at all  
(much to the annoyance of others).   
  
Being rather mysterious and cryptic seemed to be the main  
thing.  
  
In one form or another, every person had someone like this  
in their lives.  
  
King Arthur had Merlin the Magician.  
  
John Constantine had the Phantom Stranger, though he wished  
he hadn't.  
  
The Sailor Scouts had Sailor Pluto.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
The blond sailor senshi whirled around, half-scared and  
half-annoyed.  
  
"Pluto?! Jeez, don't sneak up on me like that!"   
  
"Sorry."  
  
Oh, great, thought John. Two of them. She didn't know who  
the other one was either, but something about Sailor Pluto  
irritated her to the core.  
  
"Now that you're here," said Sailor Venus enthusiastically,  
"help me beat this-"   
  
Sailor Pluto shook her head. "We should leave. Now."  
  
"What?! But.... but..."  
  
Pluto stared into Venus' eyes seriously. "Trust me," she  
said.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Atop his rooftop perch, John watched the two ridiculously  
dressed magical powered school-girl vigilantes chat between  
themselves briefly, then jump away into the night, leaving  
John once more alone, and peacefully so.   
  
This day was just getting more and more... well... stupid.  
  
"Oi! John!"  
  
Ah. Chas. Almost forgot about Chas.  
  
"Yeah? What?"  
  
"You've just reached an all-time low, John! Got kicked  
around by a school girl!"  
  
John scowled. "Oi! In case you haven't noticed, that was a  
bloody super-powered school girl!"   
  
"Still got yer arse kicked! Now get down here, eh?"  
  
"Be right down, Chas!"  
  
"And fix my bloody car!"  
  
John landed from the rooftop easily, then turned with an  
irritated (it seemed to be irritated almost constantly now)  
look at Chas.  
  
"What d'ya mean fix your bloody car?"  
  
Chas pointed to the bumper and tire that were once attached  
to his cab, now strewn on the alley floor. "I'm not fixing  
that, and you're the one with super-bloody-woman powers,  
eh?"  
  
"Aw, c'mon! I don't know shite about car repair!"  
  
"You owe me for this, mate!" After thinking about it, Chas  
was amazed he finally got to say THOSE words to John.  
  
John roled her eyes and stomped towards the wreckage, then  
looked at the magic wand. "Don't suppose if I yell 'nemesis  
car repair' you'd do anything, eh?"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Didn't think so."  
  
With much annoyance, John went to the back of Chas' cab and  
pulled out the spare tire. It wasn't as if it was hard  
work, with her newfound super strength.  
  
It was just that John despised manual labor.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Hell...  
  
  
The legions of Hell, while greatly amused, had reason to be  
glum once more. The show was over.  
  
For now.  
  
"Okay! Show's over!" yelled the First of the Fallen.   
"Back to torturing and maiming the damned! Go on, bugger  
off!"   
  
The demons, devils, and other denizens of hell gave a  
collective groan and shuffled off back to the daily grind.  
A few many-tentacled things had a few ideas about John that  
they hoped to test out soon.  
  
All in all, just another day in Hell.  
  
The First of the Fallen tapped his chin in thought, then  
leaned towards one of his minions. "Get me the demoness  
Mara. I've got a job for her."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
A few minutes later, the not-quite-dynamic duo were once  
more on the road, traveling not-quite-as-fast-as-before  
through the dark London night.  
  
"So, who's this we're seeing, then?" asked Chas.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"At St. David's, eh?"  
  
"Oh, that. A bunch of blokes who... how t'describe it...   
they keep track of the odd buggery of the world in general.   
Started in the 50's as a UFO watch sorta thing, but with a  
few cuts in funding here and a few decades of membership  
changes there, an'what you got now is a... er... cult, I  
guess would be the term."  
  
Chas scowled. "Wot, we're gonna go meet a bunch of cloaked  
wankers that mope around chanting?"  
  
"Nothing like that, Chas," said John. "Actually, something  
worse."  
  
They arrived at the campus of St. David's without any  
further incident, which reminded John of the line 'it's  
quiet, too quiet'. Nevertheless, it was, indeed, quiet,  
which was a step up from being kicked around by school  
girls.  
  
Their drive eventually lead to a particularly archaic,  
square, squat, yet rather solid looking building made of  
stone. The design was rather medieval in appearance, and it  
gave Chas a slightly foreboding feeling.  
  
"Welcome to The Keep, Chas," said John. "Park it here, this  
is our stop."  
  
With the wind beginning to howl and lightning flashing in  
the distance, John and Chas made their way to the large  
double-doors of the structure and knocked.  
  
Chas didn't like it, not one bit.  
  
"What're we here for?"  
  
"Answers, Chas. Answers."  
  
"Worse, you said," grumbled Chas.  
  
"Wot?"  
  
"You said they was worse the buggers that mope about with  
hoods and cloaks and chant odd shite."  
  
John thought it over, taking a long drag from her cigarette.  
"Yeah, they are."  
  
The ancient doors creeked open, revealing darkness from  
within. John arched an eyebrow while Chas tensed up and  
made himself ready to punch someone.  
  
Suddenly, a skinny, pale, bespectacled head popped out of the  
darkness, staring at John with lust-filled eyes.  
  
"Whoa! A babe!"   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
There was a secret cult at St. David's University. It was a  
cult because very few people would have listened to them,  
and even fewer would have joined them, unless they had a  
hook.   
  
It was a secret because, well, it was devoted to clannish  
worship of magical girls.   
  
No, really, they would have protested, it was a cult of  
occultists who studied magic. They just happened to  
specialize in magical girls.   
  
It was, technically, occult, they reasoned.   
  
Every Sunday night, they would meet at "The Keep," a  
building whose age was possibly medieval or older,  
resembling a small section of a bigger fortress. It once  
was, but was now the archaeology college of the university.   
  
This band of occultists, made of students, professors,  
faculty, and staff, were known as 'The Keep Rats'. It was  
meant to be a derogatory term, many years ago, but the Keep  
Rats rather liked it. It struck them as something quite  
nifty, almost like Pack Rats or Wolf Pack, or some other  
impressive gathering of large animals.   
  
Like any secret organization, they had a purpose, a goal, a  
mission to strive for.  
  
To sneak a peek up a Magical Girl's skirt.   
  
No no, wait, to STUDY Magical Girls.   
  
And other supernatural phenomenons.  
  
Really.   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"Whoa! A babe!"  
  
John promptly grabbed the person by the throat and pulled  
him out from the doorway.   
  
"Look at me like that again and I'll rip yer balls out.  
Understand?"  
  
"Ack...ack...yes...righto."  
  
"Now, is The Prof in?"   
  
With John's hand still crushing his neck, the man weakly  
nodded. John shoved the man back into the doorway, letting  
him breathe at last.  
  
"Lead us to'em," said John. "And turn on the bloody  
lights."  
  
"Thought you said these were worse'n those monk-types?"  
asked Chas.  
  
"They are," said John. "The monks would be far better  
organized than this motly crew, and they'd be less likely to  
pinch me arse."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Sailor Venus and Sailor Pluto sprang from rooftop to  
rooftop across the city of London, Pluto looking as serious  
as usual and Venus looking a bit irritated.  
  
"Hey, Pluto, why didn't you help me trash that witch back  
there?"  
  
"There is something odd going on," said Pluto. "And that  
woman is more than she appears to be. This situation, as a  
whole, might be very dangerous."  
  
"Why's that?" asked Venus.  
  
"That woman you were fighting is really a man," said Pluto.  
"His name is John Constantine, and his reputation is that of  
a master magus with not entirely noble motivations. He has  
betrayed angel and devil alike."  
  
"Huh, sounds evil," said Minako, "like a bearded Spock."  
  
Setsuna blinked, mulling that phrase over. Minako said the  
strangest things sometimes...  
  
"So why's he a she at the moment? Is this like those Sailor  
Starlight guys... er... girls?" asked Venus.   
  
"Something like that," said Setsuna. "John Constantine has  
somehow taken the mantle of Sailor Nemesis."  
  
"Nemesis?" asked Venus. Her eyes widened in surprise. "As  
in the Black Moon?"   
  
The Black Moon Crisis was something they'd dealt with some  
time back. A thousand years into the future, a new kingdom  
would be formed from the reborn survivors of the Silver  
Millenium, beginning with the utopia city of Crystal Tokyo.  
  
There were those that opposed this new reign, and they lead  
a rebellion against the Queen. The rebels were defeated by  
the guardians of Crystal Tokyo and fled from the Earth,  
chosing instead to live on a far-away planet, which they  
christened as Nemesis, the Dark Moon.  
  
The rebels of the Dark Moon would return, lead by Prince  
Demando and the mysterious being known as Wiseman. Their  
strike against Crystal Tokyo was nearly successful. The day  
was saved, however, when Minako and the other Senshi  
traveled to the future and defeated them.  
  
"There was another Nemesis before the Black Moon. Wiseman  
and his followers named the Black Moon after it."   
  
"But where's planet Nemesis, then?"  
  
Pluto frowned. "It is no longer a planet, though parts of  
it remain. Today it is commonly called the asteroid belt."  
  
"It was destroyed? But... by who?"  
  
"Sailor Nemesis."  
  
  
- e n d p a r t 3 -  
  



	5. the sailor syndrome

---------------------------------  
Rod M. & David Tai present...  
  
John Constantine:  
SAILOR HELLBLAZER  
  
part 4  
the sailor syndrome  
  
A 'Blame Mike Loader' Production  
---------------------------------  
  
Gemma Constantine Masters slept uneasily, with odd dreams  
haunting her once more.  
  
She found herself floating amongst the stars in the empty  
void of space. In the distance she saw the sun, appearing  
far smaller than she was accustomed to. Around that spun  
the planets Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars.   
  
Behind her, the gigantic Jupiter hovered, while all around  
her floated the thousands of spinning asteroids that formed  
the asteroid belt.  
  
And then she heard it.  
  
At first, they were whispers, barely audible in the void.  
  
And then they grew louder.  
  
And louder.  
  
And then the screams of a million souls pierced her soul.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"Look, Dr. Tybalt, we really do need the funding for the  
trip to Tokyo! It's vital for our research, really! Hello?  
Hello? Oh, bugger. Gaffo won't like this, no..."  
  
A pale, thin young man in a black trenchcoat frowned and  
hung up the phone. "Okay, no trip to Japan. Damn."  
  
Another pale, skinny lad burst from a dark corridor nearby  
into the dimly lit study room. "Guys! Guys! You won't  
believe this!"   
  
"For frig's sake, Wonker, keep the volume down!"  
  
"Mikey! Mate, y'won't believe it! There's a-"  
  
*WHAP*  
  
Mikey put away his mallet and sighed. "Take deep breaths,  
Wonker. Deep breaths. Now what?"   
  
Wonker pointed with quivering hand towards the darkened  
corridor, where, a moment later, two figures appeared. One  
was a rather nondescript middle-aged man. The second  
figure, on the other hand....   
  
Mikey's jaw dropped. "Holy shite! One'a THEM! Here! In  
this building!"  
  
"Keep on staring at me like that, arsehole, just keep on  
staring," grumbled the woman with a tone of extreme menace.   
  
"Oh, er, um, sorry!" blurted Mikey, clearly nervous. "Won't  
you, er, have a seat, um, yes?"  
  
"And give you bloody perverts a chance to look up my skirt?  
I don't think so." She took a moment to blow cigarette  
smoke in his face. "Just tell the Prof I'm in, eh?"  
  
Mikey frowned. "The Prof? He's out, sorry."  
  
The woman glared at Wonker, the sort of glare a woman gives  
a man that promises further violence should any further  
silly buggery be attempted.   
  
"Thought you said he was in!" she snarled.  
  
Wonker cringed. "Thought'e was! I swear!"  
  
"The Prof's out, but his assistant is in," offered Mikey  
helpfully.  
  
"His assistant?" asked the woman. "Not Gaffo."  
  
"Yeah, Gaffo."  
  
The woman scowled. "Great, the freakin' pervert. He'll  
have to do. Lead the way, Wonker."  
  
"Righto! Hope you don't mind me askin', miss, but what's  
yer name? Er, codename? Whatever you call yourself?" asked  
Wonker nervously.  
  
"Constantine. John Constantine."  
  
Wonker paused for a moment. "John Constantine? That's not  
a girl's name," he muttered. "Not girlish atall, no..."  
  
Realization seemed to dawn on him at last. Wonker's eyes  
bulged, staring at John in a way that was, fortunately, not  
lustful, but instead one of tremendous shock. John, on the  
other hand, did not look amused.  
  
"NO FRIGGIN WAY! YOU'RE-"  
  
*WHAP*  
  
"Stop gawking and start walking, arsehole," growled John.  
  
"Owww... sorry, righto."  
  
"See, Chas?" said John to her companion. "Told you they was  
worse."   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
John was right, thought Chas. Being with a building full of  
solemn, mysterious, chanting monks would've been better.  
With the monks, he might've felt a little out of place, and  
at the very worst, a little scared. With this sorry lot he  
felt extremely embarrassed, and more than a little annoyed.  
  
Unbeknown to Chas, John was feeling exactly the same way.  
  
"C-Constantine?! That's YOU?!"  
  
At the moment, the two were in a private office, cluttered  
with books and yet again dimly lit. Seated behind a messy  
desk was yet another scrawny pale figure. They all seemed  
to look alike to Chas.   
  
"Yes, Gaffo. Me John. John Constantine. Okay? Cigarette.   
Trenchcoat. Treats you like shit. Who else do you know  
that's like this?"  
  
"It is you," said Gaffo in awe. "Bloody hell, John, but  
you're sexy! ACK!"   
  
"Say that again and I hit you so hard your bloody  
ancestors'll be spinning in their graves! GOT IT?!"   
  
"ACK... yes... righto... can't.... breathe..."  
  
"Right then." John released Gaffo's throat and leaned back  
in her chair, closing her trenchcoat around her. "Now, I  
know you nerdy sods are big on this sort of thing, so I need  
some answers from you lads."  
  
"Um, anything we can do to help, John."  
  
"I need to know who's who, what's what, and why the HELL I'M  
LIKE THIS!" She took a moment to calm down, take a deep  
breath, then continued. "In other words, lemme see your  
files and tell me what you know."  
  
"Oh, right then, this way." Gaffo lead them through more  
hallways, the lights on this time much to John's relief,  
until they arrived upon a small wooden doorway with a lock  
on it. Gaffo pulled out a silver key and unlocked the door,  
and motioned for them to enter.  
  
What greeted John and Chas within was... disturbing. Not  
horrific, not terribly shocking, but still, disturbing.  
  
Everywhere, from wall to wall, pictures of various teen-aged  
girls in short skirts and sailor uniform-esque tops were   
plastered. Quite a few of them managed to catch a little   
'peek' at the fabric underneath their dresses.  
  
"Jeez," muttered Chas.  
  
"Perverts," marveled John as he stared at the walls.  
"Bloody pedophiles, you sick bloody bastards."  
  
"I-it's not what it seems, really!" insisted Gaffo. "These  
girls, all these girls, are part of what seems to be some  
sort of cabal. Why they're all so young, we don't know, but  
they are all definitely associated with each other."  
  
"Uh huh," replied John, looking quite skeptical.  
  
"Look here," said Gaffo, opening a file cabinet. "They  
started up a few years ago with this one particular girl  
known as Sailor V. Have a look, eh?"  
  
John opened the file, and then raised an eyebrow in surprise.  
  
"Oi, John, innit the girl that kicked your arse?" asked  
Chas.  
  
"Shattup, Chuckles."  
  
"You met Sailor Venus?" asked Gaffo.  
  
"Yeah, ran into her 'bout an hour ago," said John.  
"Ridiculous little girl."  
  
"Sailor Venus is BACK in London?! Oh, bugger. We've got  
to send out our people, maybe even get an interview... oh  
my..."  
  
"Oi! Gaffo! Snap out of it!"  
  
"Oh, sorry. Right then, what you've got there is the very  
first of the 'Sailor Scouts' that appeared in public. She  
went by the name of Sailor V for a while, then changed it to  
Venus a bit later."   
  
"I saw another girl with 'er," said John. "Looked a bit  
older, long green hair, matron-like."   
  
Gaffo gasped. "Sailor Pluto's here too?! Holy mother'a  
God... she's the most elusive one of'em all! Hold on a  
moment, John, I really gotta call the lads."   
  
Gaffo went to a nearby phone and began talking excitedly  
while John looked through the various photographs.  
  
"Hallo? Roddy? S'me, Gaffo. Yes, I know what time it is.   
This is important! ... I'll forget you said that."   
  
All in all, there seemed to be fifteen people photographed.   
Twelve were teen-aged girls, two were just children, and one  
person wasn a boy, probably of college age, in a tuxedo,  
top hat, mask and cloak.  
  
The girl with long green hair once again caught John's eye,  
and she felt hatred bubble in the back of her mind.   
  
"Sailor Pluto, eh?" mused John.  
  
"Listen up, you stupid arsehole, SAILOR PLUTO IS IN LONDON!   
Yes, you heard me right! She's here! And she's with Sailor  
Venus! Get your arse out of bed and get the cameras  
rolling, 'ey? No, Davey's not available, he's over in Norway  
looking into the cult of the Norns. Whaddayamean yer car's  
broke?! Get Birdy t'give ya a lift! JUST DO IT!"   
  
"What is it," John asked the image of Sailor Pluto. "Just  
what is it about you that I don't like?"   
  
"Sorry about that, John," said Gaffo, hanging up the phone.   
"It's just that it's terribly rare for us to have the  
opportunity to see them LIVE and IN PERSON, you know? We  
managed to get the university to fund a research trip to  
Tokyo last year. However, after seeing the bill we'd run up  
for sake, sushi, okonomiyaki, and the visits to the hot  
springs, the university got far more stingy."  
  
"Heh, I'll bet."  
  
"Anyway, as you can see, there's quite a few of them. The  
one thing they all have in common... well... except in the  
case of the Tuxedo fellow... is that they're all associated  
with solar entities. One Sailor for each Planet, y'see,  
except Earth. And then there's the three Sailor Starlights,  
who don't really seem associated with any known astronomical  
bodies. Odd, those."   
  
"Who's the three Starlights? The dominatrix trio in black  
here?" asked John, pointing to three not-very-clad girls,  
each wearing black hip boots, short shorts, and fairly  
revealing tops.  
  
"Yes, those are them," said Gaffo.  
  
"Rather androgynous looking, eh?"  
  
Gaffo blinked. "Say... you may be on to something... until  
you, we had no reason to think any of the Sailor Scouts were  
boys. If it is possible, then the Sailor Starlights are  
definitely candidates. Hmm."  
  
John frowned. "Uh-huh. Right, then. Who's the one in the  
tuxedo then?"  
  
"Him? Tuxedo Mask is what he's known as. Good combatant,  
fairly intelligent, and seems to be romantically linked with  
Sailor Moon."  
  
"Ah, all this AND romantic drama," said John dryly. "Why  
the link with planets? And why the silly bleedin' 'Sailor'  
title?"  
  
"Well... the sailor bit... er... we aren't entirely sure on  
that. There's several puzzling questions in regards to  
that. For some odd reason, the majority of them have  
re-emerged in Japan."  
  
"Yeah, so?" asked John.  
  
"Well, you see, the clothing that they wear is rather  
identical to the clothing worn by Japanese schoolgirls known  
as a 'sailor fuku', you see."  
  
"Ah, right."  
  
"But it still puzzles us why an ancient race of guardians  
would choose such a mode of dress. Not that we're  
complaining, mind you."   
  
"Perhaps they want their enemies to underestimate them.   
Badly. Lord knows I already do," said John sarcastically.  
  
"Underestimated'em enough to get your arse kicked," mumbled  
Chas, which got him a quick elbow from John.  
  
Gaffo blinked. "Oh. Hm. Now that IS an idea. Anyway, as  
to their origins, there is an old legend found in a handful  
of ancient texts referring to a kingdom of the moon that is  
destined one day to rise again. Each of the Sailor Scouts,  
by legend, were from the kingdom of said planet. It's kind  
of like the Arthurian legend, except that the entire round  
table comes back."  
  
"Indeed." John shook her head, amused and annoyed at it  
all. "What a silly bunch," he muttered. "Love Me Chain  
indeed."  
  
"Oh, actually, they all have a rather nasty habit of having  
silly attack names," said Gaffo. He pulled out another  
folder, flipped a few pages, then smiled. "Ah, here we  
are. Our associates in Japan have managed to get quite a  
few names of their attacks, and we must confess we find them  
very damned silly. For example, there's the Love Me  
Chain..."  
  
"Been there, done that," grumbled John.  
  
"Then the Mercury Aqua Rhapsody, Sparkling Wide Pressure,  
Jupiter Oak Evolution..."  
  
"Wot's that do?" asked John. "Give a man a woody?"  
  
"... the Moon Tiara Action, the Starlight Honeymoon Therapy  
Kiss, the Mercury Bubble Blast..."  
  
"These are certified?" asked John doubtfully.  
  
"Oh, yes, yes. In fact, the one attack that really stands  
out, it was voted most obscene in the club poll, was 'Star  
Gentle Uterus'."  
  
John blinked. "Star Gentle Uterus?"  
  
Gaffo nodded.  
  
Chas looked a bit ill.  
  
"I don't think I wanna know," said John. "What next? Full  
Mooning? Star Irregular Bowels? Star Penile Spray?"   
  
"Er, mercifully, the Star Gentle Uterus is about as bad as  
it gets," said Gaffo.  
  
John and Chas took seats, John flipping through the file in  
his hand and Chas feeling terribly embarrassed to look  
anywhere, for risk of being accused of pedophilic  
tendencies.  
  
"Right then," said John. "Take it from the top. Explain to  
me what this silly bunch of sods is all about."  
  
Gaffo ahemed and straightened out his shirt, trying to look  
somewhat scholarly. "Well, their origins, as I said before,  
seem to be told in some rather ancient tomes found buried in  
ancient Greek ruins on the island of Lesvos. There are  
legends of a kingdom on the moon in other cultures as well,  
particularly Japan, but the Greek texts predate those  
legends by quite a bit. It tells of a kingdom whose capital  
was based on the moon, and whose reach stretched across the  
planets. Called themselves the Silver Millenium. At first  
it was generally assumed that this was some sort of legend  
or myth, but then there was the discovery of this."   
  
Gaffo tossed a thin folder to John, who opened it up and  
viewed a black and white picture of a somewhat dilapidated  
archway being held by a crane over the ocean.  
  
"See that?" asked Gaffo. "That archway was found in the  
Atlantic ocean, some two hundred miles north of the  
Antarctic and several miles deep."  
  
"What's so special about it?"  
  
"Y'see, first of all it's got inscriptions in an unknown  
language. BUT it does have symbols indicating the solar  
system as well as unknown markings also used in the Silver  
Millenium document in Greece. See picture number two,  
yeah?"  
  
John flipped to picture two. "Um-hm."  
  
"And second, that archway was made out of moon rock."   
  
John arched an eyebrow and nodded. "Lemme guess, a coverup  
by the United Nations or something?"   
  
"Exactly, John! A conspiracy! They don't think the world's  
ready for this sort of thing, y'know?"  
  
"Could be that it was just carved outta some meteorite,  
y'know?" suggested John.  
  
"Could be, yeah, but it's still a bit peculiar. Now then,  
the Silver Millenium document tells of a time when the  
royal houses of the kingdom shall be reborn when the stars  
are right."  
  
"When the stars are right? You make'em sound like Cthulhu,  
Gaffo."   
  
"No, Great Cthulhu doesn't look nearly as good in a fuku."   
  
"Now there's some great friggin mental imagery."  
  
"Um, where was I?" asked Gaffo.  
  
"Stars were right, reborn, et-cetera."  
  
"Oh, right then. The stars happened to be right a couple of  
years ago, during the emergence of Sailor V, later to be  
known as Sailor Venus. Soon after, Sailor Moon appeared-"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The blond one with the two long ponytails."  
  
"Ah, right."  
  
"Anyway, with Sailor Moon appeared several others. Tuxedo  
Mask, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter-"  
  
"Saturn, Your Anus, right, get on with it!"  
  
"Oh, um, righto. Well, that pretty much covers the broad  
view, pardon the pun."  
  
John and Chas looked at him blankly.  
  
"Er, right, nevermind," mumbled Gaffo. "Anything else?"  
  
"Yeah, you haven't answered the big question. Why am I  
currently a Sailor Girl?"  
  
"Oh, er, well, that, um..." Gaffo scratched his head.   
"Only reason I can think of is that you might be the  
reincarnation of one of them."  
  
"Me? A girl? In a former life?" asked John. "I don't  
think so."  
  
"Sorry, that's the best answer I can give you. Anyway,  
you're welcome to look through our files as you like. If  
you'll excuse me, I need to join the search party for Sailor  
Pluto."   
  
With a grunt and a nod, John dismissed Gaffo and began  
flipping through the Sailor Venus file. Idly, he flipped  
through picture after picture, then slowed down and stared  
at one. Then he flipped back and looked at them again.  
  
He paused at one photo, then glared at it with  
astonishment.  
  
"THE CAT!"  
  
"Cat?" asked Chas.  
  
"The cat in this pic!" yelled John, yanking a photograph out  
and shoving it in Chas' face. Her finger pointed at a small  
white cat which was being carried by Sailor Venus. "That  
stupid cat was on my doorstep this morning! I bet the  
little bastard dumped that wand there! C'mon, Chas, we've  
got a cat to maim."  
  
Chas scowled. "Shit, great, running about London past  
midnight looking for a cat. Great way to spend it, right."   
  
"Wait, it's past midnight?" asked John. "Oh, bugger me, I  
haven't checked up on Gemma! She'll be wondering where I'm  
at. Hold on, I'd better give'er a ring."   
  
"John, I don't think that's such a good idea."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Y'think she'll recognize Auntie John over the phone?"  
  
John scowled yet again. "Oh. Yeah. Shite. Oi, Chas,  
give'er a ring for me, eh?"  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yeah, just say I'm pissed drunk or something and won't make  
it home tonight."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
*riiiiing*riiiing*riiii-  
  
"Hello?"  
  
//Allo Gemma, s'me, Chas.//  
  
"Oh, *yawn* hi Uncle Chas."  
  
//Oh, did I wake you up? Sorry'bout that, luv.//  
  
"No, I wasn't sleeping. Just tired. What's up?"   
  
//I was just calling for yer uncle John. Y'see, he got  
himself pissed drunk and stranded at my place, so he won't  
be coming in. He just wanted me to check if everything's  
fine with you.//  
  
"No problems here, Uncle Chas."  
  
//Oh, good.//  
  
"Hey, d'you know if Uncle John's got a problem with cats?"  
  
//Don't think so. Why?//  
  
"Well... maybe I shouldn't have, but I picked up a stray cat  
today. I hoped Uncle John wouldn't mind."  
  
//A cat, eh? I don't- er, hold on, Gemma.//  
  
Gemma blinked as she heard some woman in the background  
yelling something at Chas.  
  
//Say, what kind of cat is it?//  
  
"It's a small white one."  
  
//Does it have a funny mark on its head?//  
  
"It had a cut there, actually. So I put a bandage onnit.  
If there was a mark there, it's covered up right now. Why'd  
you ask?"  
  
//Oh... er... s'just that my daughter lost her cat  
recently.//  
  
"Geraldine had a cat?"  
  
//Er, yeah, just got it recently. Anyway, gotta go, the  
missus is nagging.//  
  
"Give Gerry my love, eh?"  
  
//Right. Be seeing you.//  
  
-click-  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"THE CAT'S IN MY FLAT! I don't believe this! Chas! Bring  
me home! Now!"   
  
Chas scowled. "Rephrase that."  
  
John stared at Chas for a moment, not understanding, then  
gave him a swift kick in the shin. "You bloody know what I  
mean, arsehole. Let's go!"   
  
The duo briskly walked through the halls, pausing only a  
moment when they ran into a pack of the 'wanker occultists'  
as John called them. One of them dove to his knees in front  
of John with a camera.   
  
It was a clear attempt to get the treasured 'Under The  
Skirt' photo.   
  
"Bloody Hell!" snarled John. "HELL'S FOOT UP YER SCROTE!"  
  
---WHAM---  
  
"AAaaaaaoooooow! Scriv! Jamie! 'Elp! She friggin cracked  
me nuts!"  
  
"Bloody perverts!" spat John. She glared them both for a  
moment, then turned away.  
  
And then she changed her mind.  
  
"HELL'S BOOT UP THE ARSE!"  
  
---WHUD---  
  
"AAAAAAAAAOW!"  
  
"HELL'S HEADBUTT!"  
  
---WHAM---  
  
"Soddin' amazing," said Chas. "John Constantine finally  
wins a fist fight."  
  
"Bound t'happen sooner or later," said John. "Cripes, I  
think this whole Sailor shite is getting to me. I'm  
startin' to yell stupid catch phrases like they do. C'mon,  
Chas. I've had enough of the bloody geek squad."   
  
John and Chas strolled away, leaving the three fanboy  
occultists writing on the floor.  
  
"Tell me Tommy," whimpered Jamie. "Tell me ye at least got  
the pic?"   
  
"HELL'S CAMERA APOCALYPSE!"  
  
--BLAM--  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
The Not-So-Dynamic-Duo was once again on the road, with Chas  
behind the wheel as usual. John, on the other hand, had  
decided to stretch out in the back. The long day had  
finally taken its toll, dragging John into the realm of  
dreams.  
  
But even that would not be entirely restful.  
  
John found himself to be a he once more, floating in an  
endless void.  
  
"Ah, what's this then? Limbo?"  
  
The darkness slowly lit with the twinkling of distant stars,  
then a sphere of light that could only be the sun.  
  
"A 2001 flashback. How nice."  
  
Soon, John found himself amongst a thick area of asteroids.  
The asteroid belt, he guessed. He'd never had any dreams of  
galactic proportions before and wondered where this one was  
headed.  
  
In the distance, he saw a shape, a figure, a girl floating  
deep within the asteroids, with ebony wings folded around  
her, as if to shield herself from the world. Her face was  
turned away from him, staring out into space. John floated  
to the girl, seeing now that she wore the same manner of  
dress that he'd been wearing.   
  
Him in his past life, perhaps? Curiosity spurring him on,  
he moved closer to the girl, until at last he was floating  
before her.  
  
And then, slowly, she faced him.  
  
John lost his voice, able to only stare at her.  
  
At last, reaching out a hand to caress her face, he spoke  
softly.   
  
"Oh no... Gemma... not you."  
  
  
- e n d p a r t 4 -  
  



	6. gemma's story

---------------------------------  
Rod M. & David Tai present...  
  
John Constantine:  
SAILOR HELLBLAZER  
  
part 5  
gemma's story  
  
A 'Blame Mike Loader' Production  
---------------------------------  
  
The cat stared up at the moon longingly, trying to remember  
what it was about that thing in the sky that nagged him. On  
the edge of his mind, visions of royal palaces and sailor  
fukus danced in his head.  
  
Surely, these were not normal cat things.  
  
Sitting next to him on the balcony was the girl, Gemma. She  
was also feeling odd, a sort of odd that was hard to  
describe. Gemma felt odd, hollow, as if there was a part of  
her that was missing. The odd dreams she'd been having  
lately certainly didn't help.  
  
She affectionately scratched the cat behind the  
ears, eliciting a pleasant purr from the cat.  
  
"Couldn't sleep either, Bill?"   
  
The cat meowed and looked at her briefly, focusing on  
Gemma's forehead. For as moment, it thought it saw a dark  
crescent moon sort of symbol there, but then it vanished.   
Dismissing the event as trivial, the cat slinked back into  
the house. It suspected there was a mouse somewhere, and it  
was feeling a little bloody-minded at the moment.  
  
"Hm. Right."  
  
Idly, Gemma wondered what Uncle John was up to.   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
It started out a dream, but it was now a nightmare.  
Everything that had been happening so far, all the miserable  
business about the Silver Millenium scouts and running about  
in a sailor fuku, it all made sense now.  
  
One of John's greatest fears was coming true.  
  
"Oh no... Gemma... not you."  
  
He stared at her still, not believing, not wanting to  
believe his niece had fallen victim to the same curse that  
claimed a Constantine in every generation.  
  
The curse of magic.  
  
Denial came easy, and fast.  
  
"No... no... you're not Gemma. Not my Gemma."  
  
"Uncle John-"  
  
"Who are you? Why are you doing this?"  
  
"I... I am a part of Gemma," said the girl. "I've always  
been a part of her, just behind her waking thoughts and on  
the fringes of her dreams. She and I are one and the same,  
though your interference has changed that."   
  
"Yeah? Good! 'Coz Gemma doesn't need this shite right  
now!"  
  
She winced, stung by his words. "Uncle John, please..."  
  
John turned his back to her. "I'm not your bloody uncle.   
You're just a ghost from the past who should've gone to  
sleep thousands of years ago."   
  
"I was the part of her that explored the world around her.  
I was the part of her that always felt there was something  
more out there in the world than what our little flat had to  
offer. I've always been here."  
  
John, back still turned, said nothing. An uncomfortable  
moment of silence passed between them.  
  
"I remember the times you visited me, John," said the girl  
softly. "You saved me from that boring house and that living  
statue that called itself my father. Every time, you'd come  
back with fantastic stories and strange little trinkets from  
all over the world."  
  
She reached out and held his shoulder. John didn't respond,  
not flinching but not turning her way either.  
  
"I remember all the times I'd have things troubling me that  
I didn't want to trouble mum with. I could always go to  
you. You didn't yell at me, you always set me straight."  
  
John sighed.  
  
"You said you'd always be there for me, Uncle John, and you   
always have been. Don't break that promise now. Please?"   
  
He turned around at last, looking solemn and sad. "So, I  
suppose you'll be wanting me to hand over that magic wand to  
you, eh?"  
  
Gemma nodded.  
  
John turned away once more. "I swore I'd be the last  
Constantine tainted by magic, and dammit, I will be. I'm  
sorry, Gemma, but it's for your own good."  
  
"You don't understand, Uncle John," said Gemma. "There's  
something we have to do, unfinished business."  
  
"You have no idea what trouble magic'll bring to you," said  
John bitterly.  
  
"I know, all too well."  
  
Gemma glided towards John, who still had his back to her.  
She wrapped her arms around him and they began to fade away.  
  
"Hey! What's this?!" yelled John.  
  
"You don't understand," said Gemma as they faded into  
nothing, "but I can make you understand."  
  
The image of deep space disappeared, replaced by a shining  
city on the horizon.  
  
"This," said Gemma, "was the Silver City, capital of the  
Silver Millenium, more than twenty-five thousand years  
ago..."   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Sailor Venus yelled in surprise, "SHE WHAT?!"  
  
"She destroyed Nemesis," said Pluto.  
  
"That... but... she's that powerful?" asked Venus.  
  
"Until the day she did, I didn't think so."  
  
"The power to destroy a planet in the hands of that man,"   
murmured Venus. "Pluto, I still think it was a bad idea to  
leave behind that Constantine guy. If he's got the power  
to-"   
  
"Constantine doesn't have the full power of Sailor Nemesis,  
nor should he," said Pluto. "He is not the true Sailor  
Nemesis."  
  
"Then who is?" asked Venus.  
  
The two leaped down from the rooftops they'd been jumping  
across, landing in the dark shadows of a grove of trees.   
Pluto transformed into her civilian guise as Setsuna Meiou,  
and Venus followed suit, transforming into Minako Aino.   
  
"She is," said Setsuna, pointing to a small, two story loft.   
On the second floor, leaning out from the window, a  
short-haird girl was gazing out at the stars longingly.   
  
"Who's she?"  
  
"Gemma Constantine Masters.."   
  
"Constantine?"  
  
"She is also John Constantine's niece."  
  
The two observed the girl for a time, Setsuna as serene as  
usual and Minako... not quite so.  
  
"So... why are we back here?" asked Minako.  
  
"I have a feeling it's the right thing to do."  
  
"You have a FEELING?"  
  
"This entire scenario is hardly logical," said Setsuna. "It  
stands to reason we might as well go with the flow."   
  
This, thought Minako, was not the usual Setsuna. Something  
about this entire situation, therefore, must be skewed.  
  
"So, who is this Sailor Nemesis and why don't I remember  
her?"  
  
"Sailor Nemesis was... before your time," replied Setsuna.  
"Early in the history of the Silver Millenium, as worlds  
were beginning to be colonized, the planet Nemesis was  
claimed by the kingdom. Unlike the other planets, Nemesis  
was not used for colonization, but to hold rebels,  
criminals, and others that had caused much turmoil in our  
society. "  
  
"Sounds like Australia," said Minako.   
  
Setsuna paused, thinking it over. "I suppose so. With  
time, everything changes, and after several hundred years  
Nemesis had changed as well. It had made itself into a  
self-sustaining colony, with its own ruling family and  
government. It still held alliegence to our queen, though,  
and many of its people hoped to strengthen the government  
and economy of Nemesis enough so that it would be able to  
stand proud with its sister planets.   
  
"However, there was one thing it lacked. From all the other  
planets a child was born which was destined to serve as  
guardian of her planet and hold a position at the court of  
the queen. This child would be selected by divine powers,  
and one would know the child was chosen when a mark upon  
their forehead would mysteriously appear and disappear.   
  
"Nemesis had no such representative. It was felt that this  
was a sign from God that their world was not yet worthy. A  
generation before the fall of the Silver Millenium, that  
would change. The only daugher of the ruling house of  
Nemesis, Jemma Konstyntin, was discovered to have the mark.   
  
"We of the queen's court were uneasy with this development,"  
said Setsuna. "For the house of Konstyntin practiced in  
dark magics, not forbidden but not smiled upon either. To  
have one of their kind serve close to the queen was a tricky  
political situation."  
  
"Dark magic? What was so bad about it?" asked Minako.  
  
"It is the same magic that, years later, Queen Beryl would  
use to bring the Silver Millenium to an end."   
  
Minako, eyes wide in surprise, nodded. "Oh. Okay. That  
sounds bad, yeah."   
  
"I still don't understand why she was chosen," said Setsuna.   
"Jemma was a very fragile personality, with low self esteem,  
bouts of depression, and an acute case of paranoia. It was  
hoped that her time as a guardian would strengthen her.   
Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect..."   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
The assembled guardians of the queen and planets looked at  
the figure standing before them, unsure what to make of her.  
Some looked at her neutrally, like Sailor Pluto had, while  
others including Sailor Venus, the leader of the Sailor  
Senshi, clearly were uncomfortable with her.  
  
After being greeted by the queen, Pluto was instructed to be  
her guide and show her the whos, whats, wheres, and whys of  
the capital city.  
  
Nemesis wasn't quite what Pluto had expected. With the  
reputation that the planet of Nemesis had, she thought  
Sailor Nemesis would be quite a strong personality. Instead,  
Nemesis was entirely the opposite, a soft-spoken, timid girl  
that barely seemed certain of herself at times.   
  
The two strode down the endless corridors of the palace  
silently, with Nemesis too nervous to say anything and Pluto  
not having anything in particular to say.  
  
"They... don't like me," said Sailor Nemesis quietly, out of  
the blue.  
  
This was true, though Pluto wished it were not. Despite her  
advice, some of the other Sailor Senshi had shown their  
disapproval of the girl, looking at her disdainfully as she  
stood before the queen.  
  
"They... are concerned about your family's use of dark  
magics," said Pluto. "A great many of those who use it go  
mad, violently so, or become criminally insane."  
  
Jemma scowled, though only slightly. "I see. I was told  
they'd have this prejudice."  
  
"Dark magic is a dangerous thing," said Pluto. "It is said  
that the dead are best left alone, and the beings from other  
worlds are not to be trusted, yet dark magic does both."  
  
Nemesis stopped walking, the scowl on her face increasing.  
  
"I did not mean to offend you," said Pluto. "I only wished  
to explain our concern."  
  
"Dark magic is like any other weapon," said Nemesis with  
conviction. "It's not good, it's not evil, it's a tool to  
be used wisely."   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"You see, they were all against me," said Gemma bitterly as  
she and John watched her former self walk down the hallway  
with Sailor Pluto.   
  
"Certainly wasn't the best of welcomes, no," admitted John.  
  
"People are stupid that way," said Gemma. "What they can't  
understand, manipulate, or control, they hate. Oh, they  
tried and pretended that all was well in the kingdom, but  
-I- heard their snickers and sneers, -I- saw how they were  
looking at me like I was some bloody roach, everyone but the  
Queen."   
  
This, thought John, was not good. Gemma, in her past life,  
was clearly paranoid.  
  
"What was I to do in these circumstances?" asked Gemma.  
"What could I do? I had little friends before, and now I  
was stuck on another world where everyone hated me. All I  
had left was my duty and my magic. I atttended to my duties  
far better than anyone had expected, and my aptitude in  
magic grew in leaps and bouds as well.  
  
"Of course, there were those that hated me enough to do  
something drastic, something foolish. And of course," she  
said bitterly, "they blamed this on me."   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
The city streets of Silver City were abnormally empty, noted  
Jemma, as she took her daily walk. Something was wrong,  
very wrong. As she entered an alley between two tall  
buildings, her suspicions were confirmed.  
  
"You! Jemma Konstyntin!"  
  
She turned around nervously, nearly dropping the books she  
was carrying. Behind her, the street was filled with an  
angry mob wielding pick-axes and other weapons. She turned  
to run away, only to find the other end blocked by a mob as  
well.   
  
"Leave me alone," she said quietly.  
  
"Dark magic's got no place in the moon kingdom! We'll put  
an end to you poisoning the Queen's ear with your advice!"  
  
So.  
  
This was how it was going to be.  
  
"NEMESIS POWER!"  
  
The crowd was momentarily startled as her transformation  
sequence took place, with dark shadows swirling around her,  
civilian clothing replaced by the all-ebony uniform of  
Sailor Nemesis.  
  
The mobs charged her, swords raised high and with battle  
yells.  
  
"All I ever wanted was to be left alone," whispered Sailor  
Nemesis. "NEMESIS SHADOW FLIGHT!"  
  
Two dark wings formed, made of dark shadows and demonic in  
form. They unfolded, stretching out surpisingly wide, then  
flapped once. The gust of wind sent the crowd stumbling  
back, a few even running in fear. As Sailor Nemesis  
ascended above them, dark blasts of energy shot forth and  
struck the building's sides. The debris that fell blocked  
any route of escape the mob had.  
  
"I hate you! I HATE YOU ALL! NEMESIS ARMY OF DARKNESS!"  
  
Two more spheres of darkness shot forth from her hands, this  
time striking the street. Two large pools of darkness  
formed, engulfing the entire alleyway. The crowd was in a  
panic now, screaming and clawing at the debris that blocked  
their escape.  
  
From the darkness, _things_ emerged. Their shape and size  
varried greatly, but they were all alien and grotesque in  
shape, and they were all as dark as the night sky.  
  
As the monstrosities began to attack the citizens, Sailor  
Nemesis turned away from them. She covered her hands with  
her ears, not wanting to hear the screams when it began.   
  
They had it coming. They deserved it.  
  
"That's enough," said a voice nearby.  
  
Nemesis whirled around to see Sailor Pluto standing atop one  
of the alleyway buildings, only a short jump away from her.  
  
"They attacked me first!"  
  
"They're only people," said Sailor Pluto.  
  
"No! I'm sick of it, do you hear me! I'm sick of everyone  
looking down on me!"  
  
"It's your duty as a guardian of the Silver Millenium to  
protect her people, no matter what."  
  
Sailor Nemesis looked down at the screaming crowds below.  
None of them were being killed by her creatures, she had  
enough control to make sure that didn't happen. But some  
of them would be getting maimed in a moment or two.  
  
"Jemma," said Pluto softly. "Please."  
  
"Fine," spat Nemesis. "FINE! Take THEIR side!" With a  
sweep of her arm, the ebony monstrosities disintegrated into  
ashes and disappeared with the passing breeze. Before Pluto  
could say anything else, Nemesis flew off into the night.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"There was no way for Jemma to avoid a reprimand after that  
incident," said Setsuna. "It was a bad situation for all.  
If Jemma was punished, this would push her further into her  
paranoia. It would also alienate her from the Queen, who  
seemed to be the only person she wasn't hostile to yet. But  
if she was not punished, many across the kingdom would see  
that as a sure sign the Queen was being corrupted."  
  
"Wow, talk about being caught on a fork between hard roads,"  
said Minako.   
  
"Anyway," continued Setsuna, trying as best she could not to  
get sidetracked by Minako's mangling of old sayings, "Jemma  
was sent back to Nemesis for a time. Officially, she was  
reprimanded and banned from the Moon. Privately, the Queen  
tried to assure Jemma that this was not a personal slight,  
that the people needed time to accept her and she needed to  
be out of sight for a while.   
  
"Of course," said Pluto, shaking her head sadly, "Jemma  
didn't see it that way. She promised she'd uphold her  
duties as guardian of Nemesis and the Silver Millenium, but   
it was also clear that she would do them without our help."  
  
"For months, she stayed in seclusion, out in the vast  
undeveloped and barren plains of planet Nemesis."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"It was clear they didn't want me," said Gemma. "That was  
fine by me. I didn't need them either. But when I came  
home, everyone was mad at me. Mother, father, it seemed  
like the whole bloody planet was blaming me..."  
  
Jemma closed her eyes and clenched her fists.  
  
"I couldn't take it anymore," she said bitterly. "So I went  
off to the barren plains of Nemesis. I needed time to clear  
my mind, to get away from the pressure, and I used that time  
to improve the skills I had as well. I guess I used the  
craft as a diversion. I didn't want to think about anything  
else.  
  
"Months passed in which I worked hard to master the dark  
magics. Eventually, I began to look into the use of  
spirits to foretell the future. At first I was able to get  
simple things predicted, like the draw of a card. But after  
a week, I could accurately get the week's weather, and after  
a month the spirits whispered to me the events of three  
thousand years down the line.  
  
"They showed me visions of Crystal Tokyo, and the new  
kingdom which would be born of the long dead ashes of the  
Silver Millenium. One thing was missing, however. There  
was no Nemesis.  
  
"And then the spirits told me why. Sort of."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"Spirits, come forth."  
  
Alone, in a dimly lit cave, Jemma warily watched as the  
spirits swirled within the circle of binding she had drawn  
on the floor, listening as they whispered to her the things  
that only they could see.  
  
Jemma's attempts at seeing into the future were growing  
stronger every day. Today, she hoped to be able to see the  
future of Nemesis and all the glory it may achieve.  
  
However, there was something... something different about  
the spirits today.  
  
Who summons me?  
  
Jemma frowned. Only one spirit. She must've drawn in a  
fairly powerful one, then, if it took up the entire circle  
and allowed no other in.  
  
"I am called Sailor Nemesis. I am the guardian of Nemesis,  
servant of Queen Serenity. What manner of spirit are you?"  
  
You may call me... Wiseman.  
  
"Show me Nemesis, her future, what will become of her  
people," she said, waving a hand across the border of the  
circle. The spirits swirled and swayed, then formed an  
image...   
  
Rocks. Many rocks.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
The future, mistress.  
  
"I need the future of NEMESIS! What is this?"  
  
This is Nemesis.  
  
"I don't understand..."  
  
Nemesis will be no more, merely bits of rocks floating  
endlessly in space.  
  
"No..."  
  
The scenery changed, to show the Moon Palace in ruins, empty  
and abandoned.  
  
The Silver Millenium will be no more.  
  
"This cannot be... there must be a way to avoid this fate!"  
  
There is.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"And so Sailor Nemesis was out of the public eye for a  
while, and all became peaceful once more in the Silver  
Millenium," said Pluto. "However, that was not to last.  
Sailor Nemesis would return one last time to the Moon  
Palace.  
  
"It would not be a pleasant visit."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Despite her current status as banned from the Moon, Jemma  
returned to the Moon Palace. Sightings of her walking  
through the corridors were already causing a stir among  
the staff and servants.  
  
It was what was about to happen next that would cause the  
most controversy, as Nemesis entered Pluto's quarters, not  
even bothering to knock.  
  
That was fine, though. Pluto knew she was coming, though  
she didn't know why.  
  
"I need a Time Key," asked Nemesis.  
  
Pluto's eyes narrowed. A time key was a device which  
allowed one to travel through time. It was a  
tremendously powerful device, one that required great  
responsibility to have.  
  
"May I ask why?" queried Pluto cooly. Nemesis' behaviour as  
of late had not inspired confidence, and this last request  
was not helping.  
  
"I've seen it in visions, Pluto. The spirits have shown me  
the future, and it is a dark vision."  
  
"Spirits are not to be trusted," said Pluto. "They may  
distort the visions to their ends."  
  
"The Silver Millenium will come to a close. You know this  
to be true, mistress of time," accused Nemesis.  
  
"There is a saying amongst the few who guard time," said  
Pluto. "The future happens as it must, the past is as it  
always will be."  
  
"What of your duty to the Silver Millenium and her people?"  
  
"Kingdoms rise and fall," said Pluto. "I help as best I  
can, but there is no avoiding fate."  
  
"The Silver Millenium will fall, and my people will be the  
first to die! I will NOT stand by and allow that to  
happen!" yelled Nemesis. She held her right hand out, and  
shadows swirled around it, until an ebony whip formed.  
  
"What are you doing, Nemesis?" asked Pluto calmly.  
  
"Give me a time key. Please."  
  
The chamber door swung open, revealing Sailor Venus and the  
rest of the Senshi.  
  
"Back away from her, witch," said Venus menacingly.  
  
Nemesis narrowed her eyes, looking as if she was about to  
take them all on. Then, suddenly and quietly, it left her.  
  
"Very well," she whispered. "Let your kingdoms fall around  
you. I will not let Nemesis share the same fate."  
  
A black circle appeared under her feet. With a slight  
'woosh', Nemesis sank into it and disappeared.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Deep within the caves of Nemesis, Jemma materialized. She  
strode to the glowing red circle and sat down next to it  
with a sigh.  
  
They refused your request.  
  
"Yes," she grumbled.  
  
There is time yet.  
  
You must grow in power.  
  
There are secrets you have yet to learn.  
  
There is time.  
  
"Yes," she said quietly, her own eyes glowing a slight red.  
"There is time."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"And so I listened to this spirit and enacted the rituals  
which he described," said Gemma, facing away from John as  
the cave around them dissolved into nothing. "Stupid,  
stupid me."  
  
"Let me guess," said John. "The spirit wasn't all that he  
seemed."  
  
Gemma nodded. "The rituals involved going to unexplored  
regions of Nemesis, places where ordinary people would not  
survive, but Sailor Nemesis would. There, in deep  
underground chasms and barren wastelands, I placed sigils on  
the earth. I could _feel_ the power that those sigils set  
loose, and thought that power was soon to be mine."  
  
Gemma took a deep breath, paused, then turned to face John.   
"There are things in the universe far older than us, races  
that have come and gone, secrets that we'll never know. What  
I didn't know was that those sigils weren't for drawing in  
power, but setting it loose."   
  
"Setting it loose?"  
  
"Those sigils weren't for tapping into power. They were for  
setting it free. As it turned out, the Silver Millenium  
wasn't the first civilization to use Nemesis as a prison.  
  
"But I didn't realize it."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"The final sigil is in place!" yelled Sailor Nemesis. "What  
now?!"  
  
The howling wind was the only reply.  
  
"Wiseman! Answer me!"  
  
Fool.  
  
Beneath her feet, the earth shuddered. Something deep  
within the planet moved, something large, something  
powerful.  
  
I thank you for setting me free.  
  
"What are you... no! Stop it!"  
  
Foolish little girl, so easy to manipulate.  
You will do nicely as an avatar.  
  
She suddenly felt her soul being pushed back into the  
darkest corners of her mind as something ancient beyond  
words invaded her mind. The earth shook violently and the  
wind screamed as the planet.  
  
"NO! GET OUT OF MY MIND!"  
  
Years of training suddenly kicked in. She recited spells of  
binding and banishment, of power and protection, and she  
felt the alien entity's grip on her mind falter to  
nothingness.  
  
Somewhere in space and time, the being known as Wiseman  
hurled uncontrollably through time, space, and dimensions,  
far into the future where it would meet its final fate.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"I... I managed to defeat Wiseman. Where he went, I don't  
know, but he wouldn't be able to return to the solar system  
for a long time. It was a small victory." Gemma shuddered,  
tears forming in her eyes. "When I finally came to my  
senses... I... I..."  
  
She tried to hold it back, but the tears began streaming  
from her eyes.  
  
"It... whatever it was... it was a _part_ of the planet.   
And when... and when I set it loose..."   
  
The vision of Nemesis that was all around them began to  
shudder, then shake, and finally shattered with a blinding  
light. Everything around them was exploding, shooting out  
into space, and a million lives screamed as one as their  
world came to a sudden end.  
  
"I'm sorry... so sorry..."  
  
John took her into his arms and held her as she sobbed  
uncontrollably. Just like he'd done so many times in the  
past, thought John.  
  
"Shh, s'okay Gemma. S'alright."  
  
The grand scale of the disaster was stunning to John.  
Through history, Constantines had always left a bloody trail  
of wasted lives and great disasters. John himself had  
dozens of deaths on his conscience.  
  
But all that was nothing compared to the destruction of a  
planet. How many lives were on that colony, he wondered.  
How many thousands? Or even millions?  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"One night, the astronomers of the other planets reported a  
flash in the sky somewhere in the vicintity of the Nemesis  
colony," said Pluto. "No gateway to the planet was working  
either, all of them either cracking or shattering suddenly  
all at once. I knew something was wrong, deeply wrong.   
When the queen asked for someone to investigate, I had to go  
see it myself."   
  
"Whoa," said Minako breathlessly, the sort of 'whoa' that  
said this was indeed an important and deep matter at hand.  
  
"They'd managed to get one gateway repaired and working,  
though none dared step through. It was feared that the dark  
mages of Nemesis had finally brought unspeakable evils from  
the other worlds. This was believed to be true, as for some  
reason our mages could not summon forth a vision of Nemesis  
either. It was with these expectations that I stepped  
through the gate to Nemesis..."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"Impossible..."  
  
Sailor Pluto stared around her at the clustered void of  
space, with only asteroids and debris filling the air around  
her.  
  
She floated through the asteroid field, searching for  
any clues of what had happened here. There were legends  
that foretold of a time when Nemesis would fall, but for it  
to truly be destroyed was something that she hadn't  
considered.  
  
And then she saw the palace.  
  
The majestic Nemesis Palace, or what was left of it, spun  
slowly in the abyss, her servants and masters floating dead  
around it.  
  
What could have done this? There was no force in the  
universe she knew of that was powerful enough to destroy a  
planet.  
  
Except for Sailor Saturn, but Pluto would have known if it was   
her...  
  
A slight shimmer caught her eye atop one of the spires of  
Nemesis Palace. Flying in closer, she could see a figure  
curled up in a fetal atop the spire's tip, large ebony wings  
folded around her.  
  
Sailor Nemesis.  
  
Pluto slowly, cautiously floated towards her, and gently  
touched her shoulder. Nemesis was mumbling something over  
and over and trembling.  
  
"Jemma, it's me. Setsuna."  
  
And finally, Pluto heard what Nemesis was saying, over and  
over...  
  
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"Those would be Jemma's last words," said Setsuna. "As I  
returned to the moon with her, Jemma fell into a coma that  
she would not recover from."  
  
Minako frowned, and said in all seriousness, "Worse than  
Mamoru after Usagi cooks for him, huh?"  
  
Setsuna resolutely tried to ignore Minako's comment,  
continuing her tale. "Her final words hinted that the  
disaster was her fault. The massive amount of dark magic  
tainting the remains of Nemesis was, in the eyes of many,  
the final proof that it was she who caused it. From that  
time onward, Queen Serenity made the use of dark magic  
absolutely forbidden."   
  
"Sounds to me like closing the barn door after someone steals  
your stereo," Minako said, again intending to be serious.  
  
Setsuna took a moment to take a deep breath.   
  
"As for Jemma Konstyntin, she was placed in stasis, awaiting  
the day healers would be able to place together her  
shattered mind."  
  
Minako frowned. "Wait. Why didn't they use the Silver Crystal  
to heal Jemma?"  
  
"Without killing the person who would be using the crystal?"  
  
Minako slapped her head. "Oh, right."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"So, that's your story," said John. Gemma, still crying in  
John's arms, though not as much as before, nodded.   
  
"Well then, how'd we go from there to here?"  
  
"I'm... I'm not sure. The others might know," said Gemma.  
"It seems as if the royal families of the Silver Millenium  
have been reborn. Perhaps it's our second coming."  
  
"So you think you're here to help restore the kingdom?"  
  
Gemma shook her head. "I don't think so. Even if I was, I  
care little for it now. Let them have their kingdoms, I've  
had enough of that."  
  
"Know how you feel," said John. "Now... how the hell did  
you end up in my head?"  
  
"It's probably because you took the transformation wand,"   
said Gemma. "It was supposed to unlock all the memories  
that I had, as well as the power. Somehow, though, it  
transferred it all to you. Funny, that. It shouldn't work  
that way at all. I'm guessing the power I had is adapting  
itself to your own, which is why you had those funny demons  
dragged up from hell for a moment."   
  
"Hell's Blazing Attacks and such, eh?"  
  
Gemma nodded.  
  
"Ah, lucky me," said John dryly.   
  
"Your attacks are an extention of your true nature. Just  
visualize what you wish to do, and say the phrase that comes  
to mind. It will come to you naturally." Gemma smiled. A  
small smile, but an improvement over her raging angst. "I  
suppose a title fitting for you would be... hmm... Sailor  
Hellblazer."  
  
"Well, yes, and it rhymes too," deadpanned John. "So,  
what's so important that you need to take back the wand?"   
  
"I must return to Nemesis... or what's left of it," said  
Jemma. "There's one last thing to do before I can rest..."  
  
"I'll help, but on one condition," said John.  
  
"Anything you ask, Uncle."  
  
"One, I'm doing it, not you. And two, after we're done,  
you'll go back to being how you were before this mess. You  
live a _normal_ life."   
  
"Actually, Uncle, there's a problem with not returning me to  
my other half," said Jemma cautiously. It was that tone of  
voice that said 'you aren't going to like what I'm going to  
say', and John noticed.  
  
"Problem?" askeed John.  
  
"We're... stuck."  
  
"Stuck? What d'you mean stuck?"  
  
"The magic, my magic, it was never meant to be with you to  
begin with, and now it's stuck."  
  
"And?" asked John, not quite comprehending the problem.  
  
"And... well... the only way to get it unstuck is to give  
the power to my other half."  
  
"No," said John firmly. "Absolutely not."  
  
"And if you don't," continued Jemma, "well, you'll be a  
woman for the rest of your life."  
  
John blinked.  
  
He opened his mouth, then closed it, and then opened it  
again. "Stuck," he managed to say.  
  
Jemma nodded, looking very apologetic.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"Oi! John! Wake up!"  
  
With a groan and sigh, John sat up from the back seat. Much  
to his irritation, he was still a she. "Wha... what's up,  
Chas?"  
  
"We're here."  
  
"Here? What here?" She rubbed her eyes as she sat up,  
twisting her back to work out some of the kinks.  
  
"You asked me t'drive you home, right? Here's your flat."  
  
"Oh, good. I was starting t'get that not-so-fresh feeling."   
  
Chas stared at her, horrified. John broke out with a burst  
of laughter.  
  
"Just kiddin', mate."  
  
"Jesus, John, don't kid about that shite. I get enough of  
that crap from me missus."  
  
"Heh, right. C'mon, let's go."  
  
"What're you gonna do?"  
  
"Get us a hostage."  
  
  
- e n d p a r t 5 -  



	7. lost souls

---------------------------------  
Rod M. & David Tai present...  
  
John Constantine:  
SAILOR HELLBLAZER  
  
part 6  
lost souls  
  
A 'Blame Mike Loader' Production  
---------------------------------  
  
"S'all dark. Looks like Gemma's asleep."  
  
"Good. Now follow me, and don't do anything stupid."  
  
The door to John's townhouse opened slowly, and the duo of  
John 'Wonder Woman' Constantine and Chas 'Cabbie' Chandler  
snuck inside.   
  
"We're gettin' a hostage?" whispered Chas.  
  
"Yeah," said John. "Small white cat. Scruffly little  
bastard's around here somewhere, I can feel it."   
  
Through sheer bloody luck, John and Chas didn't stumble on  
anything or knock any objects down.  
  
They made it as far as the stairs.  
  
Good Luck, at that point, ceased to be a factor.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Gemma yawned and sat up, sleep still evading her grasp.  
As she rose from bed, she pulled at the blanket, which in  
turn sent 'Bill' the cat rolling.  
  
*thud*  
  
-meow?-  
  
"Oh, sorry about that, Bill."  
  
The cat gave her a blank stare, and then lazily strolled out  
the door.  
  
A moment later, there was a loud cat yowl and frenzied  
yelling, followed by the sound of something falling down the  
stairs.  
  
"Bill, you stupid cat, what'd you do now?"  
  
Gemma rose from bed, went to the hallway, then stared in  
utter shock at the foot of the stairs. There was Uncle  
Chas, on the floor, his face buried in some girl's chest.  
  
"Stupid bloody ca-WHOOPS!"  
  
"CHAS! Get yer hands offa me!"  
  
"Ow! Hold on, John! It was an acc-"  
  
"Uncle Chas?"  
  
The two slowly looked up, both looking mortified and  
sheepish.  
  
"WHAT are you doing?!" yelled Gemma.  
  
"S'not what it looks like!" said Chas, blushing badly and  
getting up as fast as he could manage. "I swear!"   
  
"You ought to be ASHAMED! What would Geraldine think?  
Uncle Chas, I'm sho... er..."  
  
As she ranted on, Gemma kept on looking at the girl. She  
couldn't help it, as there just seemed to be _something_  
about her that nagged on Gemma's mind.  
  
A small voice in her head whispered the answer. It was an  
impossible answer, but as Gemma stared at the girl she  
_knew_ it was true.  
  
The short blond hair.  
  
The rogue-esque look about her.  
  
The cigarette in her mouth. Silk cut brand.  
  
The distinctive trenchcoat.   
  
"U-Uncle John?"  
  
The girl grinned sheepishly. "Aheh, hi princess. You'll  
_never_ believe what happened to me."   
  
"Hey, will you get off? This hurts, you know."   
  
All three paused, then turned to stare at the cat that was  
partially crushed under John's back, a bandage dangling off  
of its forehead.  
  
"What?" asked the cat. "Was it something I said?"  
  
Gemma fainted.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"Well he's back," said Minako. "Now what do we do?"  
  
"Wait and see what he does next."  
  
"Why are we watching in our civvies?"  
  
"I suspect," said Setsuna, "that Constantine would sense us  
if we weren't."   
  
"Hey, you don't think he's gonna... y'know... do something  
to his niece? You know, the evil uncle thing and all that."  
  
"Given his history with the girl, I don't think so."  
  
"Oh."  
  
The two continued to stare at the townhouse, hidden in the  
shadows. Setsuna was, as ever, serene. Minako was going  
crazy.  
  
"Minako."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Stop tapping your feet."  
  
"Oh. Sorry. Hey, is it just me or does Constantine kinda  
look like Haruka?"   
  
"Hm... they _do_ look somewhat related, don't they?"  
  
At last, there was movement from the house. John and Chas  
left, with John carrying a small sack that seemed to be  
wobbling about.  
  
A small white cat head popped out.  
  
"Minako, when was the last time you saw Artemis?"  
  
"Not for a couple of days. He said he just had an errand to  
run," said Minako. "You think...?"   
  
"Let's go."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Chas should have been feeling fairly shakey about now, but  
he wasn't. A talking cat was fairly high up there in the  
weirdness scale, but its impact was weakened greatly by  
super-powered school girls, hellhounds, and a female John  
Constantine.  
  
It was still pretty bloody weird.  
  
The cat poked its head out of the bag. "Is this bag really  
necessary? Come on now, let me out!"   
  
"Shattup, scruffy," growled John, "Or I'll knock you one."  
  
"Fine, fine," said the cat as it ducked back into the bag.  
"No need to get touchy."  
  
A cold breeze swept through the lawn. Static energy tickled  
John's skin. Something was about to happen. Something  
magical.  
  
"VENUS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!"  
  
"PLUTO PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!"  
  
John groaned. "Oh bugger."  
  
"Hey," said the cat as it popped its head out of the bag  
again, "those girls look familiar."  
  
"Back in, you!" John shoved the cat back in the bag and  
turned to face the two magical girls. "Geddouta here, Chas.  
I think I can handle it from here."  
  
"Right then, see you later John. Lemme know how it turns  
out, eh?"  
  
Chas left for his cab quickly, leaving John to face the two  
approaching magical girls.  
  
"Hold it right there, catnapper!" yelled Sailor Venus.  
  
"Ow! Hey, it's getting a bit uncomfortable in here!" yelled  
the cat.  
  
"Well well, just the girls I've been looking for," said John  
smoothly. Her whip materialized in her hand, which silently  
began snaking around the bag. "Back away now, else the cat  
gets a Hell's Tentacle Up The Arse."   
  
"Artemis!" called Venus, "Are you okay!"  
  
"Artemis?" replied a muffled voice in the bag. "That name  
certainly sounds familiar... is that my name? I think it  
is."   
  
"What do you want, Constantine?" asked Pluto calmly.  
  
John inwardly bristled as Pluto spoke. From Jemma's  
memories, she reminded John entirely too much of the Phantom  
Stranger, with all that being-so-bloody-enigmatic business  
and having a ridiculous amount of power but never bothering  
to use it.   
  
Perhaps they were related.  
  
"I want you two at Stonehenge before sunrise," said John.   
"Be seeing you. HELL'S GATE!"   
  
A circle lined with mysterious symbols appeared under John's  
feet, and before the two Sailor Senshi could react, John  
sank into it and disappeared.  
  
John's last words, before disappearing, faded into the  
wind...   
  
"Well bugger me, it worked."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
It was all some weird dream, thought Gemma. She'd had that  
nasty microwave dinner before going to sleep and it gave her  
a weird dream.  
  
Her uncle was not an aunt.  
  
He, er, she, was not on the floor with Uncle Chas.  
  
The cat did not talk.  
  
Right.  
  
With those thoughts firmly in place, Gemma made her way back  
to the guest room just in time to see a shimmering portal  
appear in the middle of the room.  
  
Uncle... er... Aunt John appeared, holding a squirming bag.  
  
"Hey princess, sorry about earlier. Be a dear and hold this  
bag for a bit? Just need to hide the fleabag till things  
cool down and I figure they'd never think of looking in  
here. Whatever you do, don't let it go. Back in a bit!   
HELL'S GATE!"   
  
A portal appeared beneath John's feet, which she quickly  
sank into. John's last words faded and echoed as she  
disappeared.  
  
"Worked again. Frig, this is nice..."   
  
And then the cat popped its head out of the bag.  
  
And it talked.  
  
"Sorry, it's just getting too cramped in there. Mind if I  
stretch my legs a bit?"  
  
And Gemma fainted.  
  
Again.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Many hours later, traveling through the night, Pluto and  
Venus arrived at Stonehenge. At its center stood John  
Constantine, while drawn all around him with some sort of  
white powder were sigils, lines, and circles.  
  
"Good," said John. She glanced at the first rays of the  
rising sun as it streaked across the stones. "Just in  
time."   
  
"Where's Artemis?" asked Venus.  
  
"Cat's in the bag, so to speak," quipped John. "And I know  
where the bag is. You get him back after you've helped me.  
Trust me, the fleabag's unharmed."  
  
"If anything happens to Artemis..."  
  
"She's in you, isn't she," said Pluto. "Jemma."  
  
"Yes she is," replied John. She snapped her fingers. A  
small flame lit at her fingertips, which she used to light  
up the cigarette in her mouth. "Be glad you're dealing with  
me instead, luv. She _really_ doesn't like you. But since  
you're dealing with me, we'll take things one step at a  
time. Jemma here is looking for a little redemption, and  
you ladies are going to help."   
  
"She killed over a million people," said Venus, "and she  
destroyed an entire planet. I've got plenty of reason not  
to trust her."  
  
"Ah, yes, the planet thing," said John casually. "Might as  
well straighten that out." She went on to explain Jemma's  
side of the tale.  
  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
"So she was responsible for Wiseman too," said Venus flatly.  
  
Pluto sighed. "Nemesis was always unlucky."  
  
"Is there something I should know 'bout this Wiseman?" asked  
John.  
  
Pluto stepped forward and pulled John aside. "Well, you  
see, it's like this," she said, and then she began to  
explain the events of the Black Moon Crisis of a thousand  
years into the future.   
  
Venus couldn't hear entirely what Pluto was saying, but did  
hear some of John's reactions:  
  
"Queen Serenity? Not another bloody king'n queen  
system."  
  
"Well, I can see why they'd object. Purged by some  
crystal thing? Sounds more like mind control."  
  
"Wiseman? As in... oh. So that's what happened to the  
bastard, eh? Well, look at it this way, Jemma kept'em  
outta your hair for about three thousand years, yeah?"  
  
"Almost destroyed the kingdom? Oh, well, everything was  
fine in the end, right?"  
  
John could feel Jemma's growing embarrassment and depression  
with every word. To destroy a planet was bad enough, to  
have the side effects of it carry over through thousands of  
years to the future wasn't helping.   
  
There was another moment of silence.  
  
John spoke first. "Let's... just try to make this a fresh  
start, eh? Look, Jemma was under a lot of pressure back  
then. I'm sure you noticed she wasn't exactly in the best  
of shape when she came to you." Pluto nodded. "She knows  
she made a mistake," continued John, "and she just wants to  
make things right."  
  
"So, what is it she wishes to do, and how are we involved?"   
asked Pluto.   
  
"Well, this circle," said John as she pointed to a a small  
circle at the edge of the stones, "is for you. And this  
one's for your friend," said John, indicating another circle  
at the opposite end of the stones. "And what you two will  
be doing is lending me a little energy for a trip."  
  
Pluto shook her head. "I will not allow time trav-"  
  
"Ah, just a minute, who said anything about time travel?"   
asked John. "You're a smart girl, Pluto. Have a look at my  
little drawings. You tell me what I'm gonna do."   
  
Pluto examined the sigils, circles, and arcane symbols,  
while always keeping John in sight. Finally, it dawned on  
her.  
  
"This is a gate to the asteroid belt."  
  
"Smart girl."  
  
"But... why?"  
  
"Tell me, after Nemesis bit the big one, did anyone bother  
examining what was left?"  
  
"No, it was too hazardous to. Dark magic was running wild  
amongst the asteroids, even until the fall of the Silver  
Millenium."   
  
"Well, you should have."  
  
"And why is that?" asked Minako.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Gemma had always heard about the stuff her Uncle John was up  
to, by way of rumor and whisper and word on the street.  
She'd heard of him bringing down demons and exorcising  
ghosts. She'd heard that he even beat the Devil.  
  
"Do you have any more tuna?"  
  
A talking cat didn't seem to fit into the description.  
  
"Right here."  
  
"Ah. Thank you. You've been a most gracious host, by the  
way. I only wish we'd have met under calmer circumstances."   
  
Gemma was sitting in John's living room, watching TV with a  
talking cat. This was many things: weird, cool, and stupid  
all came to mind.  
  
"So you've got all your memory back yet?" asked Gemma.  
  
"Most of it," said the cat. "Still a bit fuzzy, especially  
recent events, but for the most part yes."  
  
"A magical cat, eh?"  
  
"Mm-hm. That's me. Name's Artemis."  
  
"And you're normally in Japan?"  
  
"I have lots of memories of sushi, yes."  
  
"Why weren't you talking earlier?" asked Gemma.  
  
"Mostly because you had that bandage on my forehead. It  
covered up that crescent moon there, see? When that happens  
I'm reduced to being a rather normal cat."  
  
"Ah, I see. So... what were you doing 'round here?"   
  
"Something to do with a transformation rod.. I think I was  
supposed to give you one."  
  
"Transformation rod?"  
  
Artemis nodded. "Say... you ever watch that cartoon show  
Sailor V?"  
  
"Seen it a few times. It's about that girl that transforms  
into something Wonder Woman-like, yeah?"   
  
"Well, I suppose that's right."  
  
"Why do you ask?"   
  
"Because you were supposed to become like Sailor V."  
  
Gemma stared at Artemis.  
  
"Nooo, no bloody way," she said in disbelief.  
  
"You do know the cartoon is based on a real super-heroine,  
yes?"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes, though she's a regular of Tokyo these days, she did  
spend a few months here."  
  
"Really?" asked Gemma.   
  
"Oh, yes," said Artemis proudly. "It was a few years back,  
you might've caught it in the newspapers."  
  
"I'm not the newspaper type. Sorry."  
  
"Oh." This took some of the steam out of Artemis' momentum  
and pride. "Er, well, anyway, I recall it was a good stint  
in London."   
  
"So I was supposed to be like that, was I?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"With that bloody ridiculous short skirt?" asked Gemma with  
a frown.  
  
"Well, it's not as short as it seems..."  
  
"And I'm to run about beating up nasties in the name of the  
moon, the stars, and lots of love?" asked Gemma, her frown  
deepening.  
  
"Not in those exact words," said Artemis sheepishly.  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"Well, it's a long story," said Artemis. "Do you believe in  
reincarnation?"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
A solitary speck of light appeared amongst the darkness  
of the asteroid belt. That light expanded, becoming a  
circle, which in turn became a ring. From within that ring,  
John Constantine emerged.  
  
She'd always wondered what space was like. Breathtaking was  
one word that came to mind. Given that logically she  
should've been dead, Pretty Bloody Scary came to mind as  
well.   
  
"Right then, Jemma. Let's do it."  
  
John closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. It  
was not for the sake of oxygen (which there was none of, not  
in space, but merely as a relaxation technique.  
  
Then she stretched her arms out wide.  
  
John began chanting in ancient tongues not spoken for  
thousands of years, spells forgotten to all but a handfull  
of beings on earth, and she reached out with the magic.  
  
Slowly, gradually, the entire ring of the asteroid belt  
began to glow. It was, at first, wrapped in a dingy purple  
light. After a while, the unpleasant aura faded away. A  
few seconds later, the asteroids were consumed with an eerie  
aura of flickering white.   
  
"I'm sorry you waited so long," said John. "Go on, you're  
free."  
  
A small point of light floated away from one of the  
asteroids. It floated in space for a moment, spinning  
around in lazy circles, then disappeared into the void.   
It was followed by one, then two, twenty, a hundred, a  
thousand, a swarming sea of shining white souls that drifted  
from the remains of Nemesis and into the darkness of  
eternity.   
  
And at last, it was over.  
  
'Thank you, Uncle.'  
  
"My pleasure, princess. C'mon, let's go home."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"A million souls trapped for thousands of years," said Pluto  
sadly. "Such a tragedy."  
  
"Yeah, like the Titanic," said Venus. "Only worse. You  
think John'll be able to set them free?"  
  
"If not John, then the part of Jemma that's within him. And  
if not her, perhaps Sailor Mars." Pluto hesitated, looked  
up to the sky, then smiled. "She did it. They're free."  
  
Venus arched an eyebrow. "How do you know?"  
  
"I just do."  
  
"Oh."  
  
John Constantine, Sailor Hellblazer, emerged from the  
shining portal at the heart of Stonehenge once more, in  
_just_ the right angle to get totally blinded by the rising  
sun.  
  
"Ow, shite! Bright!"  
  
And then she was grabbed by the throat by Sailor Venus in a  
not-so-friendly manner.  
  
"Ack!"  
  
"Artemis! Now!"  
  
"Right! Ack! Okay!"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"And so you're saying I was one of those Sailor Girlies?"  
asked Gemma.  
  
"Well, yes."  
  
"Hm. Do you remember how I was, what kind of a person I  
was, back then?"   
  
"Sorry, no. I didn't know you personally."   
  
"Hm."  
  
After that, they killed some time watching the Dirk Rigby  
show.  
  
"Nice fellow, Dirk," said Artemis. "I remember he  
interviewed Sailor V once."  
  
"Oh."  
  
They watched television a bit longer, until Gemma broke the  
silence once more.  
  
"How'd you know that it was me that was supposed to get that  
magic wand? And where'd you get it, anyway?" she asked.  
  
Artemis shrugged. "It's part of the job. The wand appears,  
I get a vague idea where I should go, and so I go. And  
sooner or later I meet the right person."  
  
"Rather odd, don't you think? You don't even know where the  
wand comes from?"  
  
"It's easier to accept things without questioning, every now  
and then."  
  
"Heh, Uncle John'd disagree with you on that one. You think  
they'll be back soon?" asked Gemma.   
  
"I don't... er... hey, what's that?" asked Artemis  
  
"What's what?"  
  
"That big shimmering portal hovering in the air outside."  
  
Gemma looked outside to see a shimmering disc floating  
several meters above the lawn. A moment later, three  
figures fell ungracefully from it with a collection of  
thuds.  
  
-thud- "Oof."  
  
-thud- "Ow!"  
  
-thud- "Bloody Fucking Hell!"  
  
"Ah," said Gemma. "They're back."   
  
  
- - -  
  
  
A day later...  
  
With no more mysteries to solve and no more adventure to be  
found, Minako Aino went to a train station, again found  
herself facing the wedding of Katerina and Alan.  
  
No sense in putting things off, she thought, and after a day  
of catching up on the sleep she'd missed, Minako caught the  
first train out. The wedding ceremony was to be held in a  
country estate owned by an uncle of Alan's, a few miles away  
from London with a good amount of trees and forests around.  
  
Waiting for the train was something she wasn't looking  
forward to, if only because of what lay ahead.  
  
"So, are you ready?" asked Setsuna.  
  
"As ready as I'll ever be," mumbled Minako.  
  
"You'll be just fine," said Artemis. "You're just nervous  
because you haven't seen them in a long while."  
  
"I agree with Artemis," said Pluto. "You've nothing to  
worry about."  
  
Trains came and went, as did the passengers in a light  
swarm. Birdsong and idle chatter filled the morning air.  
  
"So, you think the whole Nemesis thing is settled?" asked  
Minako.  
  
"Probably not," said Setsuna. "Though Constantine says  
Jemma has been silent since they returned from the asteroid  
belt, it is no guarantee that things will be stable. With  
the Constantine family line, things rarely ever are. I'll  
be keeping an eye on him... ah... her from time to time."   
  
"Maybe we should've invited Constantine over to Japan."  
  
Setsuna arched an eyebrow. "Why?"  
  
"I dunno... maybe Ami or Rei woulda been able to figure  
something out. Maybe it'd help John get used to the idea of  
being a Sailor Senshi."  
  
"Can you imagine Constantine and Haruka in the same room?"  
  
Minako thought about it.  
  
"Oooh, they wouldn't get along at all."  
  
Setsuna nodded.  
  
"You know, I couldn't imagine how it'd be like, stuck as a  
guy. I wonder how well Constantine's gonna take being stuck  
as a girl."  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
This was not a good morning for John Constantine, Sailor  
Hellblazer.  
  
The first matter of business was a confrontation with Gemma.  
John had never argued with her before, not like this.  
  
"But Uncle John-"  
  
"Ah-ah. NO. First of all, your mom would tear my balls off  
if she knew I let you get into magic. Second, -I- don't  
want you getting into it."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Gemma, you don't understa-"  
  
"No, Uncle John, YOU don't understand! I'm a grown woman  
now! I can make these decisions for myself! Besides, it's  
my destiny-"  
  
"Destiny? Destiny's bullshit, and so's this Sailor Nemesis  
nonsense! You're NOT going to mess about with magic!"  
  
"Oh, 'Do as I say, not as I do' then?! That's not fair!"  
  
"Do as I say 'cos I know what the hell I'm taking about!"  
  
"But... but what about you, eh? 'Auntie' John?"   
  
John sighed and took a deep breath. Arguing with Gemma like  
this was something that hurt a lot. She'd never done it  
before, and hoped to never do it again.  
  
"Don't you see, Gemma?" asked John sadly. "I'm yer auntie  
now BECAUSE of magic. It seems all neat and keen when  
you're on the outside, but once you're in it just takes so  
much from you. Magic's got a price, especially for us  
Constantines. I don't ever want you to know how much  
that'll cost you." Before Gemma could argue, John held her  
in a tight embrace. "I just don't want you to get hurt,  
princess. You understand?"  
  
Gemma nodded, embracing John as well.  
  
"Now listen up," said John as she slowly let Gemma go. "I'm  
gonna be off traveling for a while. There's some people I  
know that know people and such, and I'm thinking maybe  
they'll help me get back to being 'Uncle' John instead of  
'Auntie' John."  
  
"Okay, Uncle."  
  
John grinned mischievously, though her eyes were still  
somber. "Now, can I trust you to watch over the house? Eh?   
No wild bloody parties with toilet paper flyin'about,  
right?"   
  
"'Course not, Auntie John. Take care, eh?"  
  
"Who, me? Of course. Right then." John gave Gemma a kiss  
on the forehead, then one more smile. "G'bye, Gemma."   
  
And so John walked away, from her house, from Gemma, and  
quite possibly from ever being a man again.  
  
And the first thing John did was go somewhere with alcohol.  
Right about now she felt the need to get rightly and truly  
pissed.  
  
  
- e n d p a r t 6 -  



	8. epilogue: constantine forever

---------------------------------  
Rod M. & David Tai present...  
  
John Constantine:  
SAILOR HELLBLAZER  
  
epilogue  
constantine forever  
  
A 'Blame Mike Loader' Production  
---------------------------------  
  
"If you choose Magic, you will never be able to return  
to the life you once lived. Your world may be more...   
exciting... but it will also be more dangerous. Less  
reliable. And once you begin to walk the path of  
Magic, you can never step off it."  
  
- The Phantom Stranger to Tim Hunter,   
The Books of Magic"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Ten years ago...  
  
The sun set on another quiet day in a desolate suburb. A  
little girl, the only person in sight in the area, stood  
atop a swing, rocking mindlessly back and forth.  
  
Gemma Masters was not a happy girl. Her childhood had  
quickly sunken into a mundane and boring existence. She had  
few friends, since her parents tended to move around so  
much.   
  
Her father was not much of a presence in her life. He just  
seemed to be... there.   
  
All mum ever did was tell her DON'T do this, DON'T do that.  
  
There had to be more to life than this.  
  
There was, actually.  
  
Her uncle John told her of far-off places she'd never see,  
and brought back neat... things. A toy crocodile from a  
faraway tribe, a gemstone from a forgotten city, a frozen  
teardrop of an angel (or so he claimed).  
  
There was an amazing world out there, and it was out of her  
reach.  
  
At that moment, Gemma sealed her fate with a thought.  
  
I want it too.  
  
I want to see those other worlds.  
  
I want to see what nobody's ever seen.  
  
I want to be just like Uncle John.  
  
I want the magic.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Modern day...   
  
  
A drink.  
  
John needed a drink, several drinks if possible, and in a  
place where her appearance wouldn't be too weird.  
  
There was only one pub he knew of that would fit the bill,  
the place run by the Lord of the Dance.  
  
With her spirits already low, John slouched through the  
doorway and took a seat at the far end of the bar.  
  
"Oi, pint'a Guinness here."  
  
"Coming right up." The barkeep finally turned around. John  
took one look, and was nearly speechless.  
  
The Lord of the Dance was normally a stout fellow, tall,  
muscular, with a manly beard and clothes that would somewhat  
resemble that of viking furs.  
  
The creature standing behind the bar had that same bearded  
face, though now it was in an irritable scowl. The rest of  
him, however, was far from normal. The first thing he  
noticed was that the man was shirtless, and in these silly  
black tights. His body was now lean, thin, and rather  
hairless, with bits of black and green body paint forming  
patterns on either side of his belly.   
  
"Jesus, what the hell happened t'you?!" she blurted out.  
  
The Lord of the Dance took a step back, surprised. "Er, do  
I know you, miss?"  
  
"Take a friggin guess, mate," said John. She lit a  
cigarette and adjusted her trenchcoat.  
  
"John?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"And I thought I was having a bad time of it. What happened  
to you?"  
  
"Long story. What happened to YOU?"  
  
The Lord of the Dance sighed. "Reconfiguration, John. It's  
a right bitch sometimes."  
  
John nodded.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
Reconfiguration was what happened to the deities when the  
beliefs of man changed over time. The Norns and the  
Yggdrasil were prime examples of configuration. Once, long  
ago, the Yggdrasil was a tree, and the three goddesses were  
its gardeners. Now, the Yggdrasil was a massive computer,  
and the Norns were maintainers of the system.  
  
Reconfiguration was known to do odd things to deities.  
Cupid, for example, had gone from a dashing figure from  
Roman myth to a sickeningly cute cherub with little wings.  
His most recent change was the most ridiculous: a rotund  
bearded gangsta wielding a machine gun which shot chocolate  
bullets laced with love potion. He was the 'Gangsta of  
Luv'.  
  
Reconfiguration was something to fear indeed.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
"It's because of some bloody prancing wanker tourin' around  
the world, John!" raged The Lord of the Dance. He pulled  
out a poster, featuring a young man, bare-chested, in black  
tights, in a dramatic pose on a stage full of similarly clad  
dancers. The name of the show was "The Lord of the Dance".  
  
"Oh, Jesus, THAT thing," said John.  
  
"Yes, THIS thing," spat the Lord of the Dance. "Thanks to  
this Irish capering pansy tap-fairy, I'M LIKE THIS!"  
  
John smirked and lit a cigarette. "Well, mate, do not go  
gently into those black tights. Rage, rage against the  
wearing of the tights!"   
  
The Lord of the Dance gave John a flat look. "Veeery funny,  
Constantine."  
  
"Well, at least you still got yer balls," said John.  
  
"Tightly squeezed as they may be in this silly outfit,"  
muttered the Lord of the Dance. "Now how about you, eh?"  
  
John told him.  
  
There was a moment of silence as the Lord of the Dance  
absorbed this information.  
  
"Sailor Hellblazer, eh? Sounds kinda catchy, actually."  
  
"I am NOT going about super-heroing, right? No way."  
  
"And y'know, as a girl, y'look quite interesting," said the  
Lord of the Dance with a chuckle.  
  
"Keep on that line of thought and I'll rip your balls off.   
I haven't changed THAT much."   
  
"Heh, so I guess." The Lord of the Dance sat back and  
polished a glass, as many a barkeep tended to do while  
talking. "I must say, John, perhaps you should've let Gemma  
take the thing."  
  
"No."  
  
"I mean, you've not only taken a magic that was meant to be  
hers, you've actually stolen a part of her. That could have  
bad side-effects, my friend. Did you think about that?"  
  
John sighed and thumped her head on the bar. "Shit. No.  
All the more reason for me to try and sort this mess out as  
soon as possible. There HAS to be a way out of this without  
spoiling Gemma's life with magic."  
  
There was a tap on John's shoulder. She turned around.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
A demoness, blond and clad in black leather, grinned  
wickedly. "Wow, the boss wasn't kidding! WAHAHAHAA! Oh,  
this is rich!"   
  
John turned around, grumbling. "Sod off, Mara."  
  
"Oh, no!" said Mara gleefully. "We must SHARE and ENJOY  
this moment! Say cheeeese!"  
  
-click-  
  
Mara walked away cackling wickedly, with camera in hand,  
leaving John Constantine simmering at the bar.   
  
She wagged her cigarette at the Lord of the Dance. "This  
day just keeps on getting better."   
  
"Are you really prepared t'spend the rest of your life as a  
woman, Johnny?" asked the Lord of the Dance, genuinely  
concerned.  
  
John took a long chug of her Guinness, sighed, then slumped  
on the bar. "It's Gemma's life, y'see. She's... she's the  
closest thing I'll ever have to a daughter of my own. I'll  
do _anything_ to make sure her life's better than mine."  
  
The Lord of the Dance nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I know how  
that goes, Johnny."  
  
"Lemme tell you," said John, digging into her trenchcoat   
pocket. "I will NEVER let Gemma waste her life by getting  
her hands on this stupid..."  
  
She suddenly stood up and began digging furiously in her  
pockets. "What the... where did I put the fucking thing?!  
Shite!"  
  
"John? You okay?"  
  
"The stupid magic wand! Where'd I put it?! Where...  
where... where..."  
  
She paced around, trying to think of where she could have  
lost it.  
  
And then realization struck her.  
  
The argument.  
  
The hug.  
  
"GEMMMMAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
She used to frequent this playground, back in the days when  
she and her mother came to visit Uncle John. It was a nice  
park, back then, and even now.  
  
It was always a quiet place, where she could think clearly.  
  
Gemma looked at the magic wand in her hand nervously, biting  
her lower lip.  
  
She had a decision to make.  
  
The rod felt comfortable in her hand, as if it was meant to  
be there. Then again, it WAS meant to be there. A part of  
her, born over 25,000 years ago, held it once.  
  
She thought on the words of her uncle on the matter. Once  
you walk the path of magic, there's no turning back.  
  
No turning back.  
  
One more time, she held the rod before her.  
  
She smiled.  
  
"HELLFIRE POWER, MAKE UP!"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
*BAMPF*  
  
"What the... I'm..." John checked himself briefly,  
making sure that certain parts of his anatomy were gone, and  
other parts had returned. He laughed, slightly, in relief  
that he was once again part of the human race that used  
urinals. "HA! I'm a MAN! Ha-HA! YES! I'm a MAN! A MAN!  
A... a..."  
  
And then he realized what it meant.  
  
"Shit. Damn. Damn damn damn damn DAMN!" He kicked a  
barstool in frustration and slumped back down on his own  
seat.  
  
"John... what's going on?" asked the Lord of the Dance.  
  
"It's won," he said sadly. "The magic's won. Another  
generation tossing itself to the old Constantine curse." He  
covered his head with his hands and sighed. "All this, and  
her mom's gonna kill me."  
  
"There now, John," said the Lord of the Dance. He patted  
John on the shoulder, trying to comfort the man. "Look,  
magic might've royally screwed your life, and the lives of  
countless other Constantines, but surely there's an  
exception or two?"  
  
"There was Johanna Constantine... but she was one total  
bitch."  
  
"Y'know, Johnny, I'll wager that Gemma'll do all right.  
Besides, the worst is in the past, right? How can you top  
blowing up a planet?"  
  
"Hey, she's a Constantine," reminded John. "If there's one  
thing we can do, it's royally fuck up repeatedly."  
  
"Look, John. Take'er under your wing. Teach the girl the  
ropes, show her the scene, guide her. If you leave her on  
her own, she just might make the same mistakes you made, or  
even worse. Be there for her, man. I think she'll need you  
now more than ever."  
  
"Hrhm."  
  
"Besides..." said the Lord of the Dance, with a twinkle in  
his eye. "She's off to an interesting start already, eh?"  
  
"Hm? What do you mean?"  
  
"Why, she's out-tricked the trickster."  
  
John mulled that fact over, took another swig of Guinness,  
then snorted. And then he snickered. And then he let loose  
with laughter.  
  
"Aheh, yeah, so she did. Yeah. Heheh."  
  
The Lord of the Dance raised a glass filled with ale and  
raised it up. "Here then, John. Let's have a toast, eh?"  
  
"A toast? To what?"  
  
"To the future, friend. To the future."  
  
John nodded and raised his own glass. "Right then. To the  
future."  
  
"Cheers!"  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
A thousand years into the future...  
  
He walked.  
  
A tiny shining light in the night shone behind him, the  
shining city that was Crystal Tokyo.  
  
It was supposed to be an utopia.  
  
It was a sham.  
  
Oh, yes, Crystal Tokyo was a bloody nice city, with its  
nice people and its nice weather, and everyone with nice,  
agreeable attitudes, and everyone bein' coddled so much they  
didn't realize exactly how fragile their position in life  
really was.  
  
Without the protection of the Queen, they'd be helpless,  
dead in hours. Clueless sods.  
  
A right and proper world should be where every man and woman  
would be able to guide their own destiny, not be under the  
shackles of a matriarch government.  
  
They tossed him out for being a 'heretic', for being a  
'disruptive element' disagreeing with the royal witch.   
  
They'd regret it. He'd show them.   
  
He had the will.  
  
He had the magic.  
  
With his schemes and his dreams, Jon Constantin set out to  
the wilderness of the world, to make his own destiny...   
  
  
- t h e e n d -  
  
  
  
next up:  
writer's notes and the outtakes.  
  
  
  
  
  
dedicated to my loverly niece, may she never  
know what a sailor fuku is in her life.  
-rod m.  
  
to the keep rats, always remember-   
blame mike loader.  
-david t.  



	9. The Outtakes & Authors' Notes

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
T h e O u t t a k e s  
  
scenes that we just couldn't squeeze into the story.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
The Cut Sailor Hellblazer Scenes  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"HELLFIRE POWER, MAKE UP!"  
  
Gemma spun in the air for a moment, energy and wind swirling  
around her.  
  
Suddenly, her clothes disappeared.  
  
"AAH! BLOODY HELL!"  
  
Fortunately, a moment later, another set of clothes  
appeared, an ebony sailor fuku topped by a brown trenchcoat.  
The swirling bit settled down at last, and Sailor Hellblazer  
the Second stood.  
  
"That was nifty," she muttered to herself, "but the nudity  
bit has GOT to go."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Cheryl, Gemma, and John sat at the breakfast table, an  
uncomfortable silence covering the room.  
  
"So," said Cheryl, the iciness in her voice very apparent,  
"my little girl's doing magic now, eh?"  
  
John nodded, grinning sheepishly. Gemma couldn't bring  
herself to look her mother in the eye.  
  
"And she's calling herself... Sailor Hellblazer... eh?"  
asked Cheryl, anger creeping into her voice.  
  
Again, John nodded.  
  
Cheryl put a hand on Gemma's shoulder. "Gemma, you're  
determined to see this thing through?"  
  
Still not looking up, Gemma nodded silently.  
  
Cheryl sighed.  
  
"Alright then. Gemma, you're a grown woman now. I expect  
you to be intelligent and mature about this. John, I expect  
you to make sure Gemma does things the right way, even  
though YOU couldn't manage that yourself."  
  
John winced.  
  
"Gemma," said Cheryl. "Stand up. Look at me."  
  
Gemma stood slowly and reluctantly, and then was surprised  
when her mother gave her a tight hug.  
  
"You be careful now, you hear?" Cheryl said. "And John...  
stand up."  
  
John stood up...  
  
Cheryl kneed him in the groin.  
  
"Aaagh!"  
  
"If anything happens to my little girl, it's your arse in  
the fire!"  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
WRITER'S NOTE: This bit is, imho, the natural  
progression of the Sailor Hellblazer Storyline,  
but one that me'n David had a bit of a disagreement  
on. Still, if I ever do any stories of Crystal  
Tokyo (WHICH IS NOT BLOODY LIKELY) or if anyone  
ever asks whatever became of Gemma during the  
Black Moon Crisis, well....  
-rod m.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
A thousand years into the future...  
  
The Dark Kingdom was dead.  
  
Or so it was thought.  
  
Ever since the downfall of Queen Beryl and Metallia, a  
thousand years ago, the Sailor Senshi had hardly given the  
place a thought. Surely, without a strong leader, the dark  
dimension was no longer a menace.  
  
They had not considered the possibility that a new queen  
would arise.  
  
The advisors of the court of the Queen had warned them of a  
new Dark Kingdom. There were signs in the stars and in  
their visions, something was afoot in that forbidden world.  
  
With that in mind, Sailor Venus opened a gateway to the Dark  
Kingdom, setting out on a reconnaissance mission to scout  
what its people were up to.  
  
In disguise and keeping a low profile, she traveled across  
that world, hearing talk of a new leader, and how she'd used  
negociations, trickery, and brute force to bring the many  
armies of the Dark Kingdom under a unified rulership.  
  
But they dared not speak her name.  
  
Days passed, and Venus made her way to the newly erected  
Dark Palace. It was a breathtaking sight, majestic spires  
and walkways rising up into the eternally dark sky.  
  
The courtyard was filled with cheering crowds of youma,  
tossing confetti and in a generally festive mood. The  
occasion seemed to be the final treaty unifying all of the  
Dark Kingdom, and the coronation of the first queen since  
Beryl.  
  
A line of guards marched out, standing before the grand  
doorway of the castle. Nearby, musicians raised their  
trumplets and blew, settling the crowd down to full  
attention.  
  
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..."  
  
The grand doors of the palace opened slowly. A lone figure  
stepped out, clad in majestic, flowing, and ebony robes.  
  
"PRESENTING HER ROYAL MAJESTY..."  
  
Venus gasped in surprise. It all made sense now, and  
answered many questions. The more she thought about it, the  
more it seemed that they should have seen it coming.  
  
She always was connected to the Dark Kingdom, even in the  
days of the Silver Millenium.  
  
And now Venus knew where she dissappeared to all those  
hundreds of years ago. The only question now was if she was  
friend...  
  
"QUEEN GEMMA THE FIRST, RULER OF THE DARK KINGDOM!"  
  
... or foe?  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"Dammit, Gemma, you've GOT to move faster!" chastised John.  
"Those demons'll have a tentacle up yer arse in seconds if  
you don't do better!"  
  
Gemma, in her Sailor Hellblazer identity, panted and  
wheezed, glaring balefully at John.  
  
"I'd *wheeze* like t'see YOU do better!" she said, giving  
him a jabing poke with her transformation wand.  
  
-POOF-  
  
Gemma stared.  
  
John stared.  
  
Gemma was still in a sailor fuku.  
  
But now, so was John. And he was a she. Again.  
  
"Oops."  
  
"GEEEEEMMAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
John Constantine: Hellblazer  
Sailor Moon  
  
sailor hellblazer 2  
  
double the fuku!  
double the fun!  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"Hey, what's this?" Chas reached down to pick up the  
cylindrical object on the floor of his cab.  
  
-POOF-  
  
- - -  
  
"John! Mate, y'gota help me!"  
  
"Bugger me, Chas, is that you?!"  
  
"Yeah, John, s'me! I dunno what happened, but-"  
  
"Yeah, I know, you saw this cylindrical bit and picked it  
up, right?"  
  
"Yeah! That's it exactly!"  
  
John chuckled to himself. "Christ, Chas, you make one  
arse-ugly woman."  
  
"CONSTANTINE!"  
  
"Just kidding! Heheh... Sailor Cabbie... HAHAHAHA-"  
  
*POW*  
  
- - -  
  
"Well? What's haunting me closet?" asked Sailor Cabbie.  
  
John opened and closed his mouth for a moment, somewhat  
speechless. Finally, he spoke.  
  
"Chas, mate, you remember the monkey?"  
  
Chas blinked. "Monkey?"  
  
"*AHEM* Anal probe *COUGH*COUGH*."  
  
"DON'T BRING THAT UP!"  
  
"I have to, Chas, ol' boy. 'Cause the monkey's ghost is  
back, and it's lookin' lonely."  
  
Chas turned pale with horror. "John! What'll I do?!"  
  
"Dunno 'bout you, mate, but I'm outta here."  
  
Gemma whapped John's shoulder. "Uncle John! Shame on you!"  
  
Within the house, a seductive 'ooooook' echoed.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
John Constantine: Hellblazer  
Sailor Moon  
  
sailor hellblazer 3  
  
Three times the fuku!  
Three times the fun!  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Alternate futures: what if John was stuck with being  
Sailor Hellblazer? A trip to Japan would be in order to  
acquaint himself with his fellow Sailor Senshi...  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
A sailor senshi riding a subway system was something not  
usually done. But, given that John was stuck as a sailor  
senshi, she didn't have much choice in the matter.  
She took a moment to despise her companions, Minako and  
Setsuna. THEY were able to change back into their civvies.  
  
John Constantine didn't like Japan.  
  
The beer tasted funny, the fish wasn't cooked, and he didn't  
speek the language either.  
  
Though strangely, that didn't seem to be a problem.  
  
"Oi, Setsuna."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Everyone 'round me IS talking in japanese, right?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then why can I understand'em just fine?"  
  
"It's a senshi thing," she said flatly.  
  
"Oh. Keen."  
  
- - -  
  
It was a nice, isolated park, which was good. Because the  
people occupying it needed the privacy.  
  
The assembled Sailor Senshi, the _entire_ crew, from toddler  
Chibi-Chibi to the transsexual Sailor Starlights, had  
assembled for a reunion of sorts.  
  
There was no great threat from beyond, or any sort of  
crisis.  
  
Usagi just thought it'd be nice.  
  
"Where's Minako and Setsuna? They're late!" she pouted.  
  
"I heard they were in England on business or something,"  
said Haruka.  
  
Suddenly, a dark portal formed over Usagi's head.  
  
"Hey! Wha-"  
  
And before she could move out of the way, three sailor  
senshi from it, head first.  
  
-thud- "Ouch."  
  
-thud- "Ow!"  
  
-thud- "Ow! Goddamn it! Shit! Owowow!"  
  
And of course, they fell right on top of Usagi.  
  
"Owiiieee!"  
  
"Dammit, Constantine," growled Venus. "You've GOT to work  
on the LANDINGS!"  
  
"Shut up, I'm new at this!" barked an unfamiliar voice.  
"Dammit, my cig's crushed."  
  
The collective Sailor Senshi blinked.  
  
Chibi-Usa, the diminutive child with pink hair, scampered up  
to the tangled pile of bodies and stared at the newcomer.  
  
"Who're you?" she asked.  
  
"John Constantine," said the woman.  
  
"Why don'cha get up?" asked Chibi-Usa. "Setsuna an' Minako  
got up."  
  
"Because I think I hurt my back," said John flatly.  
  
"You look a lot like Haruka," said Chibi-Usa, poking him in  
the nose. "Doesn't he look like Haruka?"  
  
John Constantine really hated Japan.  
  
- - -  
  
"So you three are the Sailor Starlights, eh?" asked John as  
she eyed them warily.  
  
"Mm-hm," said one, nodding enthusiastically.  
  
"Lemme ask you... when you're in y'civvies... male or  
female?"  
  
"Male," answered another of them.  
  
"Ah, so Gaffo was right," said John. "Lemme ask, just what  
in God's name is a 'Gentle Uterus' attack?!"  
  
One of them blushed, leaned forward and told him. John's  
eyes widened in shock.  
  
"Oh... bloody'ell."  
  
- - -  
  
Nobody knew what started the argument between Sailor Uranus  
and Sailor Hellblazer, but there it was.  
  
Pluto sighed. She should have seen it coming, since John  
could be nastily abrasive, and Haruka wasn't exactly the  
model of kindness and patience herself.  
  
"OH YEAH?!" bellowed Uranus.  
  
"YEAH!" snarled John.  
  
"Dear, please calm down," said Michiru.  
  
"ISSAT SO?!" roared Uranus. "YOU SHIT-HEADED GUTLESS  
COWARD!"  
  
"What started this?" asked Ami.  
  
"I'm not sure," said Minako, "but I think it was something  
about soccer."  
  
"Ah, soccer hooligans," replied Ami.  
  
"OH YEAH?!" yelled John. "AT LEAST I'M NOT SAILOR  
ARSEHOLE!"  
  
"WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"  
  
"Oooooh, Constantine used THAT joke," said Makoto, wincing.  
"Haruka HATES that joke."  
  
"What joke?" asked Usagi.  
  
"Uranus," said Makoto. "Your anus, Uranus. Get it?"  
  
"Oooh."  
  
"Oh my," said Setsuna. "I've never seen Uranus this mad  
before."  
  
"THAT'S IT! YOU DIE!"  
  
[[insert chaotic scenes of violence here]]  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
The infamous John Constantine was in a very foul mood.  
  
He was still stuck in that ridiculous, skimpy-dressed  
_FEMALE_ form.  
  
Sighing, he... er, she sulked out of bed, grumbling. She  
briefly considered taking a shower...  
  
No. No way.  
  
She... HE wasn't a pervert.  
  
Right. Then. A cup of coffee.  
  
- - -  
  
Ahh, coffee.  
  
John sighed, as he grumpily sat, drinking coffee.  
  
A hand emerged from his cup and shoved his face away. Hot  
coffee spilled onto his lap.  
  
"Aw, shite!"  
  
A cheerful, happy voice called out, "Careful, John!" as she  
emerged from the cup.  
  
John jumped up and danced a bit, shaking hot coffee from her  
lap. Damn short skirts! "Effin' sh..."! He looked up and  
paused in mid-curse as a young girl stepped out of his tea.  
The girl was brunette, and had triangular markings on her  
face, and was carrying a big mallet. Oh, no...  
  
Skuld exclaimed, "Hello John!" in a cheerful happy tone,  
then froze, her eyes growing big. "Er... HEY! Who're you?!  
Where's John?! And why are you wearing his clothes?!"  
  
"Skuld, dearie, calm down now..."  
  
Skuld's imagination ran wild. What would this girl be doing  
in John's clothes, in his house, having breakfast, unless...  
  
OH NO.  
  
"Aaah! You didn't!!!" Skuld screamed.  
  
"Eh? What?"  
  
"YOU! AND JOHN! YOU! HE! YOU DIDN'T! WAAAAH!" With  
tears in her eyes, Skuld dove back into the cup of coffee.  
She also splashed John on the way out.  
  
"So, it's going to be one of _those_ days, is it?"  
  
- - -  
  
Later that day, in the pub run by the eternally jolly Lord  
of the Dance...  
  
"What's troubling you, child?"  
  
Skuld stared into her mug of hot chocolate and sniffled.  
"It's John," she said sadly. "He's... he's got a  
girlfriend."  
  
The Lord of the Dance 'ooh'ed sympathetically. "Aah, that's  
right, you'd taken quite a fancy to John."  
  
"That stupid hussy! What's he see in her?!"  
  
He patted her on the shoulder. "There now, child. Isn't  
John a bit... I don't know... too old for you? Perhaps you  
should look elsewhere, maybe the lad Tim Hu-"  
  
"I don't WANT anyone else!" she pouted.  
  
"There now lass, there'll be other days and other la..." He  
thought the saying over, and decided to revise it for  
younger ears. "other opportunities."  
  
Skuld nodded numbly in response.  
  
The bell chimed as another customer walked in.  
  
"Well speak of the devil," said the Lord of the Dance. "Hey  
Johnny, how goes the search for a cure?"  
  
"Not good, not good. Pour us some of that fancy wine inna  
tin, eh?"  
  
"Wine in a can? John, that's sick of you."  
  
"I'm feeing sadistic."  
  
Skuld sat upright, eye twitching. It was THAT voice, the  
voice of THAT girl.  
  
Wait a minute.  
  
WHAT did the Lord of the Dance call her?!?!  
  
"Hey, there you are, rugrat. You ran off before I could  
explain," said the woman.  
  
Skuld turned around and stared. Puzzle pieces were  
beginning to snap together in her head, and the picture it  
was making was one she didn't like.  
  
Trenchcoat.  
  
Cigarette.  
  
Blond hair.  
  
That's John.  
  
Breasts.  
  
That's not John.  
  
No. Nononono.  
  
"You're... aheh... John's sister?" asked Skuld with a  
cracked smile.  
  
"Skuld, I know this might be hard to believe..."  
  
"John's niece, right? Or maybe his cousin?" suggested Skuld  
desperately.  
  
"Oh, I forgot," said the Lord of the Dance. "She hadn't  
found out about THAT yet."  
  
Skuld whirled around and grabbed the Lord of the Dance by  
his shirt. "WHAT?!" she asked deliriously. "WHAT DON'T I  
KNOW?!"  
  
"Child, get a hold of yourself," he urged gently. "Skuld,  
dear, John's undergone... some changes."  
  
Skuld stared at him, then at the woman, then back and forth  
a few more times.  
  
Her stare finally stopped at the woman. "J-John?"  
  
"Hi Skuld. You'll never believe what happened to me."  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAH! JOHN'S GAY AND HAD A SEX CHANGE OPERATION!"  
Before anyone could comment further, Skuld leaped into her  
hot chocolate and vanished.  
  
"Oh my," said the Lord of the Dance.  
  
"Actually, I suppose I'm technically a lesbian," mused John.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Somewhere in the wilds of New Orleans...  
  
John, still female, wasn't in the mood for this. It wasn't  
her time of month, it was that she utterly despised the  
company.  
  
"Right then, Stranger, what's this all about?"  
  
The Phantom Stranger, the cloaked enigmatic figure that John  
loathed to a sharp and fine degree, stepped forward from the  
shadows.  
  
"Your brothers in arms wish you to know that we sympathise  
with your plight, and you do not stand alone in this  
matter."  
  
"So, you'll help me get back to normal?" asked John.  
  
"Not exactly." The Phantom Stranger pulled a wand from his  
trenchcoat and held it high.  
  
"Oh shite, no," muttered John.  
  
"SUPER STRANGER POWER, MAKE UP!"  
  
There was a blazing, blinding flash of light. When it  
settled down, The Phantom Stranger was... a woman. She was  
clad in a white and grey sailor fuku, with a long and  
flowing grey cloak around her. She also was still wearing  
the hat.  
  
"I am... Sailor Stranger!"  
  
John threw her arms up in disgust. "Jesus, TELL me he's  
kidding!"  
  
"He is not, my friend, and neither am I," said Dr. Occult as  
he stepped from the shadows. He held a transformation rod  
as well and raised it high, yelling, "MYSTIC OCCULT POWER,  
MAKE UP!"  
  
"This is a bad dream," mumbled John. "I had too much kidney  
pie and beer, and this is the result."  
  
With a flash of light, Dr. Occult was gone, replaced by Rose  
Spiritus, the woman whose soul was entwined with Dr.  
Occult's.  
  
She was wearing a sailor fuku as well.  
  
"I am Sailor Occult!"  
  
"Oh big deal," said John. "You turned into a woman BEFORE."  
  
"Yes," said Rose, "but you must admit the sailor fuku looks  
rather nice on me."  
  
"Eh."  
  
"I... too... am... a... part..."  
  
"OH GOD! NOT HIM TOO!" yelled John, tossing her arms up in  
the air once more.  
  
"of... this..."  
  
A nearby shrub suddenly had a burst of growth, forming a  
large, humanoid monstrosity made of plant growth.  
  
Swamp Thing, the earth elemental, had arrived.  
  
Slowly, he raised a branch up high.  
  
"And what," asked John, pointing at the branch, "is that  
twig supposed to be?"  
  
"My... transformation... wand."  
  
John winced. He'd forgotten how wretchedly long Swamp Thing  
took to say a simple sentence.  
  
"PLANT... POWER..."  
  
"He still takes forever to say one fuckin' sentence," whined  
John. "Lemme guess, PLANT POWER, MAKE UP! Hurry up and say  
it!"  
  
"MAKE..."  
  
"Up. Make up. C'mon c'mon c'mon."  
  
"...UP!"  
  
A large blinding light engulfed Swamp Thing.  
  
It stayed that way for quite a while.  
  
"I don't believe it," said John. "He's slow in EVERYTHING  
he does!"  
  
Finally, three cigarettes later, the light dimmed down,  
revealing....  
  
Swamp Thing. In a Sailor Fuku.  
  
"I... am... Sailor... Green."  
  
"WAHAHAHAAHAHA!"  
  
An explosion of black smoke and brimfire interrupted his  
laughter. The First of the Fallen stood before them,  
looking at each one much like one would look at a roach.  
  
"So, this is your new strategy against me, eh?" he asked.  
  
"Yes," said John sarcastically. "Brilliant strategy at  
that."  
  
"Well, I can meet you on these terms as well," he said  
smugly.  
  
John blinked. "Terms? What the... no, he's not..."  
  
"ETERNAL DAMNATION POWER, MAKE UP!"  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
"I AM SAILOR FALLEN! IN THE NAME OF THE DAMNED, I'LL PUNISH  
YOU!"  
  
"This is getting ridiculous. If I hear one more..."  
  
"So gone, gone o form of man... arise the Sailor Etrigan!"  
called out another voice.  
  
*poof* A yellow-skinned horned demon stood there. In a very  
short Sailor fuku.  
  
He had really ugly yellow knobby knees, too.  
  
The cigarette finally dropped from John's mouth. "Okay,  
that's it, I'm gone. See you lads later."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"I guess it's up to us, then," said Gemma.  
  
An Asian girl in a black Chinese dress, a yin/yang symbol  
decorating its front, nodded. "There's little time left. I  
can feel Cth'U breaking through the fifth seal."  
  
"Er, Ayako," said a thin British boy with large glasses. "I  
still think we ought to try seeing if the Phantom Stranger  
is in. Or maybe Zatanna, or maybe Dr. Occult. This is a bit  
out of our league." He was promptly malleted from behind.  
"Ow! What'd you do that for, Skuld?!"  
  
"Stop whining, Hunter," growled the young Goddess. "John  
wouldn't be caught dead whining like you."  
  
"Oh, it's ALWAYS about John," said Tim, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Well he's a better magus than YOU'LL ever be!" retaliated  
Skuld sticking her tongue out.  
  
"Tsk, lookit the two lovebirds," teased Gemma.  
  
Tim and Skuld both blushed badly.  
  
"We are NOT lovebirds!" they both yelled.  
  
"Guess it's time to suit up for action," said Gemma, pulling  
out her transformation wand. "HELLFIRE POWER, MAKE UP!"  
Gemma Masters spun in the air for a moment, undergoing the  
usual changes in attire that Sailor Senshi usually go  
through.  
  
This, of course, also involved a brief moment of nudity.  
  
Gemma forgot that Tim Hunter was in the room.  
  
Skuld didn't.  
  
-WHAM-  
  
"Don't look! Pervert!"  
  
Ayako tsked. "Skuld, you reallly shouldn't beat up your  
boyfriend like that."  
  
"HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND!"  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Gemma Masters: Sailor Hellblazer  
Ayako Mano: Devil Hunter  
Skuld: Goddess of the Future  
Tim Hunter: "I'd rather be in London"  
  
T h e J u n i o r  
T r e n c h c o a t B r i g a d e  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
The Ditched Story Ideas  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Something was rotten in London, and it wasn't just  
Parliament.  
  
John had read about the recent archaeological discovery in  
the basement of one of the local schools, and he'd seen some  
photos of the site. The architecture, the heiroglyphics,  
he'd seen them before.  
  
There was magic in there, powerful magic, and those clumsy  
clueless nutters might well set off the magical equivalent  
to a nuke if they didn't watch their step.  
  
That is... unless someone deactivated the bomb first.  
  
- - -  
  
With flashlight in hand, John explored the depths of the  
archaeological dig with fascination. Some of the scenes  
depicted before him were fairly understandable, something  
about royal families and kingdoms and such, but one thing  
held his attention the most: a large, looming eye.  
  
Perhaps their god?  
  
He shrugged and moved on, down further into the darkness,  
and finally came upon a peculiar round chamber. The floors  
were etched with thousands of symbols, all entirely alien to  
John, and all spiraling from the center. At the far end of  
the chamber, a large stone crypt sat upright, its face also  
marked with the looming eye.  
  
Curiousity got the better of him, and John ventured forth  
across the room to get a better look at the crypt.  
  
That was a mistake.  
  
As he stepped across the middle of the room, blue threads of  
light appeared everywhere, and a steady humming of power  
filled the room.  
  
"Damn."  
  
The blue lines wavered and whipped about gently, some of  
them caressing his face, others swirling around him. And  
then they dissappeared.  
  
The crypt at the end of the room opened with a hiss.  
  
John tensed, ready to run.  
  
The crypt opened to reveal... metal. That was odd, thought  
John. The crypt was lined with shining metal and  
fluorescent-esque lights.  
  
That wasn't the most stunning part.  
  
The beautiful albino girl within was.  
  
She had long, flowing white hair, and was dressed in  
strange, slightly arabic, mostly alien garb, that seemed  
somewhat tattered. Her beauty was rather exotic... almost  
elfin in appearance.  
  
The girl's eyes opened slowly, and as their gazes met, she  
smiled.  
  
"It's you," she said with a weak yet happy voice.  
  
John blinked. "Me?"  
  
"I've waited," she said weakly as she walked to him. It  
seemed as if she would collapse at any moment, and she did  
just as she reached him.  
  
Instinctively, John caught her in his arms. "Hey, easy  
there girl, I'll get you some help. Just hold on."  
  
"I've waited for so long," she said in a whispery voice.  
"For ten thousand years, I've waited, dreaming of you."  
  
"I think you've got me mistaken for someone else," said  
John. "Easy now, just rest."  
  
"No," she said. Beams of azure energy began to stream from  
her, and John finally noticed he was slowly becoming  
transparent.  
  
"Oi! What the-"  
  
"There's one last thing I must do. With the last of my  
strength... I send you to El Hazard."  
  
"Like Hell you will! I-"  
  
-fwoosh-  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
John Constantine: Hellblazer  
El Hazard, the Magnificent World  
  
El Hazard, the Bloody Friggin Magnificent World  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
For the first time in too long, all was wrong in Hell.  
  
And the First of the Fallen was enjoying every bit of it.  
  
He sat on his throne of bone, as giddy as a junior-level  
succubus. His fingers danced lightly on its armrests, as  
plans within plans began to firm in his inky-black soul.  
With a madman's laugh, he called for some souls to torment,  
to let his mind play for awhile.  
  
The recent events with John Constantine had been fun;  
indeed, he'd be hard pressed to remember when he'd had so  
much laughter. Watching as ultra-masculine Constantine  
pranced around in woman's guise... he hadn't enjoyed a  
mortal's frailties in centuries. He wanted to feel that  
laughter again... and he knew just how to do it.  
  
He would not have Constantine's soul, he knew that. Soon,  
he wouldn't need it.  
  
- - -  
  
John Constantine hated hangovers.  
  
Celebrations he rarely had... wakes, though, were another  
story. It had been five years to the day since he'd given  
ol' Brendan Finn a back door to heaven and, in true fashion,  
he'd decided to honor it as Brendan would've wanted it -  
with a royal piss-fest. He didn't know how much liquor he'd  
downed in the night; he lost count about halfway through...  
  
He rubbed his eyes, and staggered to his feet. Right now,  
what he needed more than anything was a nice cold shower to  
shock him awake. His feet felt like lead as he made his way  
to the loo; his head felt like it wasn't screwed on  
straight.  
  
So what else was new... he thought. He turned on the tap,  
and let the cold water fill to the rim. He stopped before  
he put his hands in; there was something... something about  
last night... something he'd forgotten? That wasn't good;  
he had far too many enemies to be forgetting *anything*.  
Shrugging, he put his hands into the water, and splashed his  
face.  
  
He paused. Something was very wrong... he absently rubbed  
his chin, as he struggled to find the truth beneath the fog.  
He thought about it for a moment... that face looked very  
familiar... where had he seen it before?  
  
In a horrifying instant, it dawned on him. The trench was  
there, the outfit was still there... but the body beneath  
might as well be wearing a fuku. He poked his chest  
experimentally.  
  
Yep.  
  
He was a girl again.  
  
She paused for a moment to consider possible courses of  
action. She could just get shit-faced drunk again and hope  
that she change back to a guy during it... or she could go  
to the one person responsible for the last time she found  
herself as part of the tampon-wearing half of humanity.  
  
"GEMMMMMAAAAAA!"  
  
- - -  
  
Deep in the bowels of Hell, the First of the Fallen was once  
again snickering badly. He'd almost forgotten about those  
dandy little cursed springs.  
  
Fun, those.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
Hellblazer 1/2  
(With thanks to Nicholas Leifker for this bit)  
Coming NEVER to a newsgroup near you.  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"They just appeared in me backyard, John! Little beasties  
runnin' amock buildin' these weird structures all over the  
place!" lamented Chas. "And with their evil bloody  
chantin' and songs, it's drivin' me mad!"  
  
John nodded, filing that information away. Probably gnomes,  
or maybe the odder variety of poltergeist.  
  
"Lead me to it, squire."  
  
Chas opened the back yard door. What greeted John's eyes  
was a lawn grown wild, with grass taller than most children.  
  
"Hadn't mowed the lawn in a while, eh?"  
  
"They go friggin' ballistic if they even sees a lawn mower,"  
said Chas. "THey're right that way."  
  
John nodded solemnly and pushed through the grass. Slowly,  
carefully, he made his way through until he saw a clearing.  
  
There were small houses there, about three inches tall.  
Each one appeared to be made of... mushrooms... of some  
sort.  
  
And then he heard the music.  
  
o/~ Tra-la la la-la-la o/~  
  
And the helium-laden voices squeaking all over.  
  
"Shite. Smurfs."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
John Constantine: Hellblazer  
vs.  
The Smurfs  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
In the Keep, where the rats lurk...  
  
David ran up to Rod. "Hey! I've got an idea!"  
  
Rod nodded. "Shoot. What's this idea?"  
  
"See, while I was researching the cult of the Norns, I got this  
damn kickass idea. Here, lemme sing... Oi, Wonkalot, help  
me out here, willya?"  
  
David sang, o/~ Beware, oh mighty lords, oh gods of the  
heavens above, oh demons of hells below! / For Constantine,  
John Constantine, he hath found the Hammer! / Whosoever holds  
the hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of  
Thor! o/~  
  
Chris sang, o/~ I've messed with devils, angels, men / and  
found that blokes, time and again, / fear few things more /  
than loss of souls / than ending on / infernal coals / but  
toss 'em pon / the bloody rack / the might of THOR'S / what  
keeps 'em back / And now I'm stuck / with hammer dear / My  
bloody luck / Jes disappear! o/~  
  
David sang, o/~ I was a man, just a man. Just knew the  
rules, I did / But when that hammer came, all o'sudden, I  
was a friggin' pansy / Wings on my hat / Cape of red, long  
flowing lock / Bugger it all to hell / I ain't no superhero  
longjohn! o/~  
  
Rod said, "Ah yes, Thor Constantine and his sidekick Skuld."  
He paused a second, then added, "I ain't touching this one  
with a 10 foot mallet."  
  
Chris chimed in. o/~ Long John Silver was a PIRATE, see? / With  
a peg leg, gun, and his mollies three / Now THERE was a  
decent job, if strange / No pansy dress, no hair like mange  
/ Why DOES *this* John now end up / with a faggety helmet /  
and a steel C-cup? / I'd KILL the buggers who / messed up my  
fate / 'Cept ONE'S the Future / an' I've soiled my cape.  
o/~"  
  
David struck a pose. o/~ I was a man, y'see / And now I'm a hero  
bold! I hardly ever get sick at sea! o/~  
  
Skuld popped out of a teapot, singing. o/~ Oh a blimey  
right ol' bastard was Constantine / A righteous bastard was  
he! / He'd just as soon screw his friends as look at 'em /  
That bugger was one righteous dude / Magic spells and  
illusions / Not for him, no / It was the knowledge that drew  
him / And one fateful day / That was what drew him / To that  
dark cave / He got the hammer / He got the power! / YAY YAY  
YOU GO JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! o/~  
  
Rod walked away. "I wash my hands of this."  
  
----------------  
  
Thor Constantine: The Musicial  
  
---------------  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Writer's Notes, by David Tai  
  
or, 'f u cn rd ths ur crzy'  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Rod's spelling sucks.  
  
Royally.  
  
Painfully.  
  
Not to mention missing some words in his sentences.  
  
If you ever want to play editor...  
  
and want a challenge...  
  
Talk to Rod M.  
  
Having said that...  
  
Sailor Hellblazer is all Mike Loader's fault. He brought it  
up at that place called the Keep. On Kawaiimuck, back when  
we were discussing, Rod and I, how to complete "Dire Fates",  
a John Constantine:Hellblazer/ Oh My Goddess crossover  
series.  
  
I promptly forgot all about this while working on "Mortal  
Fates", the sequel to Dire Fates. But Rod never forgot,  
that squirrely bugger. When we got stalled on Mortal Fates,  
Rod cast about for something to liven the mood... and  
decided Sailor Hellblazer would do, just because he couldn't  
get it out of his mind.  
  
What was I to do, but tag along for THIS ride, just like  
Chas to John? *grumble*  
  
Oh. The Keep. Right. All the names in the Keep are based  
on the people who frequent the real Keep.  
  
Mikey = the infamous Mike Loader himself. Gaffo = Sean  
Gaffney. Wonker/Wonkalot = Chris Willmore Birdy = Nicholas  
Leifker Tommy = Thom "White Wolf" Youngblood Jamie = James  
"Zen" Batesman Scriv = The Scriviner  
  
Take a wild guess who Roddy and Davey are.  
  
Right, then.  
  
Will finish up Mortal Fates real soon, promise!  
  
-David Tai  
  
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Writer's Notes, by Rod M.  
  
or, 'what on earth was I thinking?!'  
  
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Let me make this clear right now.  
  
I hate Sailor Moon.  
  
My sincere apologies to anyone that may be offended  
by that statement, but them's the facts.  
  
Now then...  
  
It began as a bit of a joke between fellow writer Mike  
Loader, 'Dire Fates' co-writer David Tai, and myself, as we  
talked about other stuff that our favorite chain-smoking bad  
boy of the occult, John Constantine, could possibly cross  
over into as far as anime is concerned.  
  
Sailor Moon was mentioned in passing, and we all pretty much  
scoffed at the idea.  
  
Sailor Moon is, in case you're not familiar, the most  
dominant show of the 'magical girl' genre, where school  
girls somehow obtain magic powers, run around in souped up  
schoolgirl outfits (i.e. 'sailor fukus'), and do battle  
against demonic forces almost always in the name of love.  
  
The very concept makes me ill. Can you say sugar overdose?  
  
But... as the months passed by, there was this nagging voice  
at the back my head, the same bastard that probably  
whispered 'build it and they will come' in Kevin Costner's  
'Field of Dreams'.  
  
Aaaanyway, this thing had comedy potential. Lots of comedy  
potential. It began to nag at me, very much so, and so I  
sat down and began to hash plot.  
  
And sonovagun, I managed to have lots of comedy, AND a plot  
that worked pretty well too. Hell, I'm surprised by how  
well it turned out.  
  
By the way, you've got 'White Wolf', yet another frequent  
anime fanfic writer, to blame for the plot. If it weren't  
for him, I wouldn't have one.  
  
For Your Information...  
  
- No, it's never explained WHERE the magic transformation  
rods come from. They just appear.  
  
- In the general Magical Girl genre, heck, in anime  
in general, it's the standard for a character to yell  
out a nifty little name for their attack just as they  
do it.  
  
- In the Magical Girl Genre, the attack is usually stupidly  
cute. There are exceptions, but the cutesy attacks  
dominate.  
  
- Yes, there is a 'Gentle Uterus Attack'. Damned if I know  
exactly what it does, and I don't think I wanna know  
either.  
  
I had to do a lot of Sailor Moon research to get this  
bastard of a story done, and let me tell you it wasn't  
entirely pleasant at all. At the anime rental shop I  
frequent, I asked if they just happend to have any sailor  
moon for rent. Now, the guy over there is my buddy, he  
knows what I like and don't like, and he gave me this look  
that said 'I know I didn't hear you just ask that, so we're  
gonna go on as if you didn't ask it, which you didn't'.  
  
Frequent embarrassment? You got it.  
  
There's nothing quite like an anime schoolgirl on your  
monitor screen at work to get your co-workers wondering  
about your sanity and sexual perversions.  
  
But through it all, through the ridiculous cutsey sayings,  
and ridiculous outfits (WHY a Sailor Fuku?!?!), and other  
stuff (Why SAILOR?!?!), I found that Sailor Moon actually  
had a pretty nifty premise behind it. The whole kingdom  
thing, gotta admit it's a nice plot device.  
  
But, damn it all, I still hate Sailor Moon.  
  
Sailor Uranus, on the other hand, she's a babe.... ^_^  
  
- Rod M.  
  
M Productions: Stupid Crossovers done well.  
  
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SUPPORTING CAST CHARACTER ANNOTATIONS  
  
- Blathoxi, Demon Lord of Flatulence, appears in issue 3  
of John Constantine: Hellblazer. He can also be found  
in the first trade paperback, "Original Sins". If there's  
a Demon Lord of Flatulence, is there also one for other  
unhealthy bodily functions?  
  
- The Lord of the Dance can be found in issue 49 of  
John Constantine: Hellblazer. He is NOT the same  
Lord of the Dance that prances about to Irish music.  
  
- Cupid, Gangsta of Luv, can be found in issues 26 and 27 of  
The Books of Magic.  
  
- The Chas / monkey / anal probe incident can be found  
in the pages of Hellblazer, issue 84, written by Jamie  
Delano.  
  
And you thought I made those up....  
  
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